1 00:00:05,460 --> 00:00:06,500 (ENGINE REVVING) 2 00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,460 (TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS) 3 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,740 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 4 00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,060 - (APPLAUSE INTENSIFIES) - Hello, everybody. 5 00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:03,100 Hel-lo! 6 00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:05,380 - How you doing? - Thank you. 7 00:01:06,540 --> 00:01:08,460 Thank you. 8 00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:11,820 - Thank you. - Welcome. 9 00:01:13,020 --> 00:01:14,860 JEREMY: Thank you so much. 10 00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:20,060 Thank you and coming up in this incredibly exciting show: 11 00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:22,100 a young woman changes a wheel... 12 00:01:22,140 --> 00:01:24,740 (SHE GRUNTS) 13 00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:26,700 ...an older woman drinks some lager... 14 00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:31,300 ...and Richard looks at a book. 15 00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:33,220 Look at that. 16 00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:37,420 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 17 00:01:37,460 --> 00:01:40,380 However... 18 00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:43,580 However, we begin with a film from James May, 19 00:01:43,620 --> 00:01:45,140 who's in his 80s. 20 00:01:45,180 --> 00:01:46,540 - What? - (LAUGHTER) 21 00:01:46,580 --> 00:01:48,100 No, wait, sorry. 22 00:01:48,140 --> 00:01:50,940 We begin with a film from James May about the '80s. 23 00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,260 Yes. Thank you. 24 00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:54,700 The '80s, a time of marvellous excess - 25 00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,740 you know, Gordon Gekko and big shoulder pads 26 00:01:56,780 --> 00:01:58,700 and of course incredible supercars - 27 00:01:58,740 --> 00:02:01,060 the greatest of which, without question, 28 00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:02,540 was this one. 29 00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,180 The Ferrari Testarossa... 30 00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,260 ...was excess on wheels... 31 00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:17,540 ...be it looks... 32 00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:21,180 ...attitude... 33 00:02:23,180 --> 00:02:24,460 ...or even size. 34 00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:31,180 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 35 00:02:31,260 --> 00:02:34,180 When this car came out, people were absolutely aghast 36 00:02:34,260 --> 00:02:37,020 at how wide this car was. 37 00:02:37,060 --> 00:02:38,820 I don't mean wide like Del Boy, 38 00:02:38,860 --> 00:02:41,740 I mean wide as in width. 39 00:02:41,780 --> 00:02:43,700 It was enormous! Especially at the back. 40 00:02:44,780 --> 00:02:46,700 And it simply oozed charisma 41 00:02:46,740 --> 00:02:49,420 from every one of its slatted panels. 42 00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,940 It was unquestionably... 43 00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:55,180 ...the only car that could star in Miami Vice. 44 00:02:55,220 --> 00:02:57,220 (MIAMI VICE THEME) 45 00:02:57,260 --> 00:03:01,340 In fact, Enzo Ferrari loved that show so much, 46 00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:04,620 he actually gave its star, Don Johnson, 47 00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:06,660 his own Testarossa. 48 00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:10,100 And Don was just the tip of the celebrity iceberg. 49 00:03:13,540 --> 00:03:16,580 Rod Stewart had one, Elton John had one, 50 00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:18,620 Mike Tyson had one, 51 00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:21,340 OJ Simpson had one. 52 00:03:21,380 --> 00:03:23,220 And presumably wore driving gloves. 53 00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:28,220 The price of this car, when it went on sale in 1985, 54 00:03:28,260 --> 00:03:32,860 was £62,666. 55 00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:35,660 That is, as I'm sure you know, the number of the beast. 56 00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:38,820 And, when you unleashed its five-litre V12... 57 00:03:38,860 --> 00:03:40,220 (ENGINE REVVING) 58 00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:44,740 ...it would do 180 miles an hour. 59 00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:51,020 That was an astonishing figure for the time. 60 00:03:53,820 --> 00:03:57,780 It had the speed and the celebrity fan base. 61 00:03:57,820 --> 00:04:01,460 But the Testarossa was not what you'd call politically correct. 62 00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:05,740 Consider, for example, that the window switches 63 00:04:05,780 --> 00:04:09,220 are tiny little things hidden here on the centre console. 64 00:04:09,260 --> 00:04:10,860 Where you'd expect them to be, 65 00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:14,180 that... well, obviously, it's a huge ashtray. 66 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,580 In fact, if they'd given that a mirrored lid, 67 00:04:16,620 --> 00:04:18,620 it could have had two uses. 68 00:04:21,780 --> 00:04:25,939 If the 1980s were the era of excess, then, 69 00:04:25,940 --> 00:04:28,580 well, this was the perfect car for the era. 70 00:04:31,460 --> 00:04:35,940 I'm afraid Mr May has just been wasting your time rather 71 00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:39,220 because that is not the ultimate '80s supercar. 72 00:04:39,260 --> 00:04:40,940 This is. 73 00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:45,580 For sheer over-the-topness, 74 00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:49,180 nothing comes close to the Lamborghini Countach. 75 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,060 Alongside it, 76 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:55,380 the Testarossa looks like a family hatchback. 77 00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:58,939 If you think the Ferrari is wide, 78 00:04:58,940 --> 00:05:02,939 this is even wider. 79 00:05:02,940 --> 00:05:06,260 And the Testarossa's doors don't open like this. 80 00:05:07,380 --> 00:05:09,020 (ENGINE REVVING) 81 00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,700 This version of the Countach, the LP5000, 82 00:05:13,740 --> 00:05:16,540 was launched in 1985, 83 00:05:16,580 --> 00:05:20,180 specifically to put the Testarossa back in its box. 84 00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:25,660 Its 48-valve, 5.2 litre-V12... 85 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:30,220 ...can take the Countach to 186 miles an hour, 86 00:05:30,260 --> 00:05:34,420 or to be precise, more than the Ferrari. 87 00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:38,420 In fact, in its day, this was the fastest production car in the world. 88 00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:42,140 I've got a Kevlar bonnet, 89 00:05:42,180 --> 00:05:46,060 I've got rear tyres the size of road rollers. 90 00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:47,300 (TYRES SCREECH) 91 00:05:47,340 --> 00:05:49,580 We're talking ultimate supercar here. 92 00:05:51,940 --> 00:05:55,340 And this incredible machine... 93 00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:59,500 ...came from a company that didn't have half the resources of Ferrari. 94 00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:02,620 Let me give you an example. 95 00:06:02,660 --> 00:06:06,660 This car might look super aerodynamic, like a missile. 96 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,580 But in fact, it never saw the inside of a wind tunnel. 97 00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:11,620 They couldn't afford to put it in one. 98 00:06:11,660 --> 00:06:15,620 So instead, they ranthe a prototype up and down the motorway, 99 00:06:15,660 --> 00:06:17,580 with bits of wool stuck all over it. 100 00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:20,220 I love that! 101 00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:25,580 Oh, hello. Here he comes. 102 00:06:25,620 --> 00:06:27,500 (TYRES SCREECHING) 103 00:06:29,740 --> 00:06:30,820 The also-ran. 104 00:06:32,820 --> 00:06:34,300 Mr Silver Medallist. 105 00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:38,180 (SNORTS) 106 00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:39,860 The trouble with that Lamborghini is, 107 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,940 it's a bit "all mouth and no trousers." 108 00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:44,980 Fastest car in the world, my arse! 109 00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:51,700 Even Lamborghini will admit they ran slightly hooky cars 110 00:06:51,740 --> 00:06:53,620 when they did the performance testing. 111 00:06:53,660 --> 00:06:55,941 They took the mirrors off and stripped weight out of them. 112 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:57,660 Absolute flim-flam. 113 00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:59,620 (TYRES SCREECH) 114 00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:05,420 The thing is, supercars, to me, 115 00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:07,860 are all about being the ultimate. 116 00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:10,900 It doesn't matter what that is, but it has to be an ultimate. 117 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:16,340 And this is the ultimate bedroom wall poster car. 118 00:07:16,380 --> 00:07:19,100 When I first saw one of these as a kid, 119 00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:21,620 it lit a flame in my heart. 120 00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:24,940 And when I saw one today, as a middle-aged man, 121 00:07:24,980 --> 00:07:28,580 that same flame roared into life. 122 00:07:28,620 --> 00:07:30,460 (ENGINES REVVING, TYRES SCREECHING) 123 00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:37,180 Listen to that noise! 124 00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:38,780 (EXHAUST BACKFIRING) 125 00:07:38,820 --> 00:07:40,100 It's like a gun going off! 126 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:47,180 The problem is, the Lamborghini Countach wasn't really a car. 127 00:07:47,220 --> 00:07:51,300 It wasn't really for driving... but this was. 128 00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:54,100 It's got a proper boot, a decent-sized fuel tank, 129 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,620 it's got comfortable seats. 130 00:07:55,660 --> 00:07:59,540 It's actually a continent crushing touring car. 131 00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:05,260 (ENGINE REVVING) 132 00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:09,620 Eventually, we pulled over 133 00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:12,580 so we could continue arguing face to chest. 134 00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:16,820 Oh, brakes on. Brilliant. 135 00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:19,780 JAMES: On the line. 136 00:08:19,820 --> 00:08:21,380 Right. 137 00:08:21,420 --> 00:08:23,780 Oh, that's not... 138 00:08:23,820 --> 00:08:26,260 That doesn't help much in there. 139 00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:27,900 You can't see behind you, can you? 140 00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:30,140 I just want to be really accurate and you can help. 141 00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:31,900 That's in the way and that's in the way. 142 00:08:31,940 --> 00:08:33,780 That's why the early ones had a periscope. 143 00:08:33,820 --> 00:08:36,940 I've got a better idea. There's a cool thing I can do here. 144 00:08:36,980 --> 00:08:40,539 If you sit here like... this... 145 00:08:40,540 --> 00:08:44,220 ...and then you can put it in reverse, there... 146 00:08:44,260 --> 00:08:45,700 You're gonna run over your own foot. 147 00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:48,860 - On no RPM. How cool is this? - Yes, it is moving. Yes, yes. 148 00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:50,899 - I look pretty cool. - You're all right. 149 00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:52,420 You're all right. 150 00:08:52,460 --> 00:08:54,356 - I'm in my car but not... - Bit of left hand down. 151 00:08:54,380 --> 00:08:55,900 - What? Oh, yeah. - Left hand down. 152 00:08:55,980 --> 00:08:58,780 It's like being out of the side of a helicopter in Vietnam. 153 00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:02,100 It's that cool. Yeah. 154 00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:04,539 I was just explaining to the viewers before we stopped 155 00:09:04,540 --> 00:09:06,100 what a sham this car is. 156 00:09:06,140 --> 00:09:08,140 That rear wing has no effect 157 00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:10,740 other than to slow the car down 158 00:09:10,780 --> 00:09:13,100 and make the front go light when you're at high speed. 159 00:09:13,140 --> 00:09:15,140 It's actually worse than that cos it's illegal. 160 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:18,020 They didn't have the money to homologate it properly. 161 00:09:18,060 --> 00:09:20,060 So they'd build the cars in the factory 162 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,779 then wheel them out into the car park 163 00:09:21,780 --> 00:09:23,476 and a man screwed them on with a power drill. 164 00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:25,539 Genuinely. And I love that about it! 165 00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:28,380 - In the car park? - In the car park, finished it off. I love that! 166 00:09:28,420 --> 00:09:31,860 Why don't we tell the viewers how the indicator stalk on your supercar... 167 00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:34,500 (LAUGHING) ...comes from a Morris Marina? 168 00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:36,220 Well, why don't we talk about the fact 169 00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:39,060 that the electric door mirror adjustors on yours 170 00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,620 are out of an Austin Montego? 171 00:09:41,660 --> 00:09:43,420 - I was hoping you didn't know that. - I did. 172 00:09:43,460 --> 00:09:45,900 Ahem. Rod Stewart had a Testarossa. 173 00:09:45,980 --> 00:09:48,660 Rod Stewart had a Countach. 174 00:09:48,740 --> 00:09:50,740 Oh, yeah. 175 00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,620 JAMES: Unable to agree on anything, 176 00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,900 we decided to take a more intellectual approach... 177 00:09:58,540 --> 00:10:00,660 ...by having a drag race. 178 00:10:00,740 --> 00:10:04,300 Now, on paper, the Lamborghini is faster, definitely. 179 00:10:04,340 --> 00:10:06,300 But as we've already observed, 180 00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:09,060 Lamborghini were a bit fast and loose with their performance figures 181 00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:10,540 back in the day. 182 00:10:10,620 --> 00:10:13,420 So now, finally, we can find out for real. 183 00:10:15,020 --> 00:10:17,539 However, as we sat on the start line, 184 00:10:17,540 --> 00:10:20,779 something occurred to us. 185 00:10:20,780 --> 00:10:22,500 These are privately owned cars, aren't they? 186 00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:23,980 RICHARD: Correct, yeah. 187 00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,540 Well, the thing is, 188 00:10:25,620 --> 00:10:27,620 Testarossas don't really like standing starts, 189 00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:30,900 cos they tend to blow their own differentials up. 190 00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:33,300 How much is a new differential? 191 00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:37,180 It's £26,000. 192 00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,220 Actually, I'm quite glad you've mentioned that. 193 00:10:39,260 --> 00:10:41,260 Because these don't like standing starts either. 194 00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,300 It's those huge rear tyres. 195 00:10:43,340 --> 00:10:45,740 You get a fried clutch and a split gearbox casing. 196 00:10:45,780 --> 00:10:47,899 JAMES: How much does that cost? 197 00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:50,220 - £36,000. - Ooh! 198 00:10:50,260 --> 00:10:55,380 So, in all, that's £62,000 at risk. 199 00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:58,260 I know. I fancy something we don't normally do - 200 00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,300 a rolling start drag race. 201 00:11:00,340 --> 00:11:01,625 Yes, I do too! I've always 202 00:11:01,650 --> 00:11:03,700 wanted to try a rolling start drag race. 203 00:11:03,740 --> 00:11:04,765 And for some reason, 204 00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:07,044 today in these cars, I prefer that option. 205 00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:09,700 (ENGINES REVVING) 206 00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:11,660 So, when the light went green, 207 00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:14,780 we gently pull away together. 208 00:11:14,820 --> 00:11:17,780 And then, at the white line, floor it. 209 00:11:17,820 --> 00:11:19,380 (ENGINES REVVING) 210 00:11:24,740 --> 00:11:25,980 Rolling start. 211 00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:28,940 Across the line and bin it! 212 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:31,940 And they're off. 213 00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,060 (ENGINE ACCELERATES) 214 00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,660 He's getting away. 215 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,660 What an astonishing feeling! 216 00:11:47,260 --> 00:11:50,100 Aww! An angry Countach! 217 00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:54,060 140... 218 00:11:57,140 --> 00:11:58,380 Agh! 219 00:12:01,860 --> 00:12:03,780 - (CHUCKLES) - JAMES: There you go. 220 00:12:03,820 --> 00:12:05,740 The bull has kicked the horse's arse. 221 00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:10,420 Even through that ridiculously small window, 222 00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:11,860 you look smug. 223 00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:13,460 Oh, I am, mate, because I won. 224 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,300 And it matters. 225 00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:17,340 It does matter, that's the annoying thing. 226 00:12:17,380 --> 00:12:19,100 It really matters. 227 00:12:19,140 --> 00:12:20,940 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 228 00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:24,300 RICHARD: Legendary cars. They are legends. 229 00:12:24,340 --> 00:12:25,996 - Fabulous. - It was a privilege, wasn't it? 230 00:12:26,020 --> 00:12:28,060 - Special. - Yeah. 231 00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:29,833 A couple of things I think you 232 00:12:29,858 --> 00:12:31,740 forgot to mention in that film. 233 00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:33,260 The Countach. 234 00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:35,460 The steering feels like it's set in concrete, 235 00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:37,700 so does the gear lever, so do the pedals. 236 00:12:37,740 --> 00:12:39,380 And if you use the air conditioning, 237 00:12:39,420 --> 00:12:42,300 it's like you're being breathed on by a hot dog. 238 00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:43,700 (LAUGHTER) 239 00:12:43,740 --> 00:12:45,660 He is right about that. 240 00:12:45,700 --> 00:12:47,917 And you can't talk either, cos your 241 00:12:47,942 --> 00:12:49,580 roly-poly barge Testarossa 242 00:12:49,620 --> 00:12:53,580 was, as you said, driven by a man from Miami Vice 243 00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:55,620 who rolled his jacket sleeves up. 244 00:12:55,660 --> 00:12:58,180 The Duke of Edinburgh doesn't do that, does he? 245 00:12:58,220 --> 00:13:00,380 - Earl Haig doesn't do that. - Hang on a minute! 246 00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:02,820 - What? - By attacking those cars, 247 00:13:02,860 --> 00:13:04,860 you are destroying the very foundations 248 00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:07,060 of everything we love and hold precious. 249 00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:10,214 Mm-hm. And now it's time to destroy them a little bit more 250 00:13:10,254 --> 00:13:14,494 by seeing how slowly those cars go round The Eboladrome. 251 00:13:14,534 --> 00:13:16,814 (ENGINE REVS) 252 00:13:16,854 --> 00:13:19,854 And it's off in a clutch-slipping, smoky start. 253 00:13:19,894 --> 00:13:21,894 Ooh, it's wet. 254 00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:24,494 And look at that lunging and pitching there. 255 00:13:25,734 --> 00:13:28,294 As she heads on to the Isn't. 256 00:13:28,334 --> 00:13:30,894 Having a look at the gear lever, make sure it hasn't fallen off. 257 00:13:30,934 --> 00:13:34,174 Sleeves very sensibly rolled down. 258 00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,974 Look at the body roll on it. Here we go. 259 00:13:37,014 --> 00:13:38,694 Oh, she's fighting the wheel there. 260 00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:42,934 More lean, as she lunges down to Your Name Here. 261 00:13:42,974 --> 00:13:45,774 It really is dodge, duck, dip, dive. 262 00:13:45,814 --> 00:13:48,854 It's like watching Dodgeball, only slower. 263 00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:51,734 And less amusing. 264 00:13:51,774 --> 00:13:53,774 Another glance down at the gear lever. 265 00:13:53,814 --> 00:13:56,334 And now ringing out that flat 12. 266 00:13:59,494 --> 00:14:02,534 Powerboating back towards Old Lady's House 267 00:14:02,574 --> 00:14:04,494 in a wake of spray. 268 00:14:06,134 --> 00:14:07,934 I can't imagine she's enjoying this. 269 00:14:07,974 --> 00:14:09,414 Right, hard on the brakes. 270 00:14:09,454 --> 00:14:12,414 Taking a wisely cautious line in there. 271 00:14:12,454 --> 00:14:15,534 Has it stopped? No, still moving, just. 272 00:14:15,574 --> 00:14:20,734 And now, yeah, lumbering towards Substation. 273 00:14:20,774 --> 00:14:22,574 In fairness, it does sound quite good. 274 00:14:22,614 --> 00:14:23,974 (ENGINE ROARS) 275 00:14:24,014 --> 00:14:26,014 Very good, actually. 276 00:14:26,054 --> 00:14:28,854 Wallowing through there like a Rolls-Royce Corniche. 277 00:14:28,894 --> 00:14:30,894 Just Field of Sheep to go. 278 00:14:30,934 --> 00:14:32,934 Yes, she's sliding it! 279 00:14:32,974 --> 00:14:34,894 And across the line. 280 00:14:37,454 --> 00:14:39,374 - She's nuts. - That was absolutely nuts. 281 00:14:42,014 --> 00:14:43,480 Sliding a Testarossa I wouldn't 282 00:14:43,505 --> 00:14:45,134 do that for all the tea in China. 283 00:14:45,174 --> 00:14:47,294 Technical point that might confuse the viewers. 284 00:14:47,334 --> 00:14:49,574 You just said, "The roar from the flat 12," 285 00:14:49,614 --> 00:14:51,854 which is sort of right but I said, "V12," 286 00:14:51,894 --> 00:14:53,974 which is also sort of right, cos it's not a boxer. 287 00:14:54,014 --> 00:14:56,534 So it's a 180-degree flat V12. 288 00:14:56,574 --> 00:14:57,870 - Like that. - Literally not interested. 289 00:14:57,894 --> 00:14:59,934 - It's a flat... - (LAUGHTER) 290 00:14:59,974 --> 00:15:01,214 It's a flattish V12. 291 00:15:01,254 --> 00:15:04,294 Anyway, it's now time to see how the Lambo got on. 292 00:15:04,334 --> 00:15:06,334 (ENGINE REVVING) 293 00:15:06,374 --> 00:15:09,734 And it's a snappier start for the Countach, 294 00:15:09,774 --> 00:15:13,774 mashing its fat rear tyres into that sodden Tarmac. 295 00:15:14,854 --> 00:15:16,614 It really is sodden. 296 00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:19,174 A quick look down to make sure it's in gear there. 297 00:15:19,214 --> 00:15:23,854 Now easing off through the second curve on the straight. 298 00:15:23,894 --> 00:15:26,654 And back on the power towards Your Name here. 299 00:15:26,694 --> 00:15:30,374 No need for Abbie to go to the gym this week. 300 00:15:30,414 --> 00:15:33,214 She's getting all the workout she needs in the Lambo. 301 00:15:34,974 --> 00:15:36,974 Turning in hard as she dare. 302 00:15:37,014 --> 00:15:40,094 Rear wing doing absolutely nothing as usual. 303 00:15:43,294 --> 00:15:46,214 Ooh, I thought it was gonna take off there! 304 00:15:46,254 --> 00:15:50,294 And now the joyless wrestle back towards Old Lady's House. 305 00:15:52,294 --> 00:15:54,294 Through the rain. 306 00:15:54,334 --> 00:15:57,774 A rush of the brakes, I felt, at the mid-point there. 307 00:15:57,814 --> 00:16:01,814 Now, much harder braking and down through the gears. 308 00:16:01,854 --> 00:16:06,014 It sounded like an angry tractor at low revs. 309 00:16:06,054 --> 00:16:07,974 And now in the damp dash towards Substation. 310 00:16:08,014 --> 00:16:09,294 (ENGINE REVVING) 311 00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:10,814 That makes an even better noise 312 00:16:10,854 --> 00:16:13,054 than the Ferrari, really. 313 00:16:13,094 --> 00:16:15,094 Brilliant. Just two corners left. 314 00:16:15,134 --> 00:16:18,094 Will she get this one sliding in Field of Sheep? 315 00:16:18,134 --> 00:16:21,414 Bit of a wiggle there but through the Field of Sheep? 316 00:16:21,454 --> 00:16:23,374 No, and there we are, across the line! 317 00:16:25,894 --> 00:16:27,814 - Brave. - Brave. 318 00:16:29,134 --> 00:16:31,814 Right. 319 00:16:31,854 --> 00:16:35,814 Let's see where they go on the board, Lamborghini first. 320 00:16:35,854 --> 00:16:37,774 RICHARD: Hang on, that's the bottom of the board. 321 00:16:37,814 --> 00:16:39,590 JEREMY: They're not going to the top, are they? 322 00:16:39,614 --> 00:16:41,694 See, look at that. 30th place. 323 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,214 It's faster than a Ford Fiesta. 324 00:16:43,254 --> 00:16:45,254 I mean, come on. That's pretty good. 325 00:16:45,294 --> 00:16:47,534 JEREMY: That is tragically slow! 326 00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:51,134 - It was a long time ago! - (JAMES LAUGHS) 327 00:16:51,174 --> 00:16:53,214 It doesn't look good, does it? 328 00:16:53,254 --> 00:16:55,174 Honda Civic, Ford Focus - they're all quicker. 329 00:16:56,414 --> 00:16:58,374 All right, one good thing is, 330 00:16:58,414 --> 00:16:59,552 the Testarossa can't be much 331 00:16:59,577 --> 00:17:00,998 slower than that. Let's find out. 332 00:17:03,214 --> 00:17:05,134 - (LAUGHTER) - RICHARD: My God! 333 00:17:06,414 --> 00:17:08,294 Oh, God! 334 00:17:08,334 --> 00:17:10,014 It is faster than the Up! 335 00:17:10,054 --> 00:17:11,750 And they're both in the wet so that's a fair comparison. 336 00:17:11,774 --> 00:17:13,774 Loser, I believe. 337 00:17:13,814 --> 00:17:15,853 JEREMY: Look, I think we have to face facts here. 338 00:17:15,854 --> 00:17:17,854 They're two very slow cars. 339 00:17:17,934 --> 00:17:21,494 But at least they are expensive 340 00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:24,734 and horrible to drive. 341 00:17:24,774 --> 00:17:29,534 Anyway, now it's time to bite into a cake of debate, 342 00:17:29,574 --> 00:17:32,694 from the café of chat... 343 00:17:32,734 --> 00:17:36,094 ...on the corner of Conversation Street. 344 00:17:36,134 --> 00:17:38,054 (MELLOW JAZZ) 345 00:17:40,134 --> 00:17:41,574 (LAUGHTER) 346 00:17:49,014 --> 00:17:52,294 I think after 36 of those we are running out of ideas. 347 00:17:52,334 --> 00:17:54,134 It was getting desperate. 348 00:17:54,214 --> 00:17:56,214 Now, any young people here, 349 00:17:56,254 --> 00:17:58,254 looking forward to driving maybe one day? 350 00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:01,613 Thinking the future holds a Ferrari for you, Lamborghini. 351 00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:03,614 Afraid not. There's a company in Aberdeen 352 00:18:03,694 --> 00:18:07,134 who've decided that the future actually will look like this. 353 00:18:07,214 --> 00:18:08,853 - RICHARD: Oh, God. - (LAUGHTER) 354 00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:10,613 - JAMES: Bloody hell. - RICHARD: Really? 355 00:18:10,614 --> 00:18:12,094 JAMES: Electric? 356 00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,374 JEREMY: Of course they're electric, obviously. 357 00:18:14,454 --> 00:18:16,454 Range of 35 miles. They're stackable cars. 358 00:18:16,494 --> 00:18:19,974 Wait, so they work like the human centipede, then? 359 00:18:20,014 --> 00:18:22,014 (LAUGHTER) 360 00:18:22,054 --> 00:18:24,094 Not exactly like that, no. 361 00:18:24,134 --> 00:18:25,974 No. No... 362 00:18:26,014 --> 00:18:28,094 No. 363 00:18:28,134 --> 00:18:30,133 What I mean is, they're all connected together. 364 00:18:30,134 --> 00:18:32,174 Yeah, they're connected, exactly. They're connected. 365 00:18:32,214 --> 00:18:35,094 Hang on, what if you're in the one in the middle, right? 366 00:18:35,134 --> 00:18:38,133 And you want to go a different way to the one in the front. 367 00:18:38,134 --> 00:18:39,814 What are you gonna do? 368 00:18:39,854 --> 00:18:42,094 It's worse than that. If you're in the middle 369 00:18:42,134 --> 00:18:43,910 and go a different way, you won't have any wheels. 370 00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:46,070 They'll be left attached to the ones in the front and back. 371 00:18:46,094 --> 00:18:48,054 RICHARD: There's not enough wheels. 372 00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:49,393 I grant you, it looks ridiculous 373 00:18:49,418 --> 00:18:50,814 that the front and back separate. 374 00:18:50,854 --> 00:18:52,853 "We've got no bloody wheels!" 375 00:18:52,854 --> 00:18:53,928 Actually, it's an optical illusion, 376 00:18:53,952 --> 00:18:54,790 the back wheels are inboard. 377 00:18:54,814 --> 00:18:56,374 So you do have wheels. 378 00:18:56,454 --> 00:18:58,254 But what if you were in the back one 379 00:18:58,294 --> 00:19:00,510 and it was being driven by Richard Hammond from the front? 380 00:19:00,534 --> 00:19:02,454 - You'd be bloody terrified. - Oh, all right! 381 00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:05,054 Yes, that is a point. 382 00:19:05,094 --> 00:19:07,494 But I don't think you quite understand how this works. 383 00:19:07,534 --> 00:19:09,094 I'll need to check it out. 384 00:19:10,934 --> 00:19:12,934 It's quite complicated so bear with me. 385 00:19:12,974 --> 00:19:14,862 You see, the idea is these cars are 386 00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,878 sort of everywhere for people to use. 387 00:19:16,934 --> 00:19:18,854 And then at night, a man goes round 388 00:19:18,879 --> 00:19:20,774 in the green one, the one in front, 389 00:19:20,814 --> 00:19:22,974 and he collects all the others up behind him. 390 00:19:23,014 --> 00:19:24,530 He's a bit like those men you see 391 00:19:24,555 --> 00:19:26,133 at airports, with all the trolleys, 392 00:19:26,134 --> 00:19:27,669 and he ends up with that two-mile 393 00:19:27,694 --> 00:19:29,294 snake that bashes into your ankles. 394 00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,494 - It's like that. - So it gathers them all up? 395 00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:34,094 So, hang on a minute. You drive home in the evening, say. 396 00:19:34,134 --> 00:19:35,974 - Mm-hm. - In your car. 397 00:19:36,014 --> 00:19:37,166 You get up next morning but it's gone 398 00:19:37,190 --> 00:19:38,134 because a bloke's collected it? 399 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,853 - (LAUGHTER) - Yeah. 400 00:19:40,854 --> 00:19:43,294 That doesn't work because most journeys by car are two-way. 401 00:19:43,334 --> 00:19:45,214 You get there, then you need to get back. 402 00:19:45,254 --> 00:19:47,134 Unless you're driving to Dignitas. 403 00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:50,334 No, they'd work for that. 404 00:19:50,374 --> 00:19:52,494 Maybe it's a Dignitas collection service. 405 00:19:52,534 --> 00:19:55,374 The thing is, I'm going to try and work out how it... 406 00:19:55,454 --> 00:19:58,774 It's quite complicated. They have actually... 407 00:19:58,814 --> 00:20:02,054 There is a flow chart that explains how it works. Put that up. 408 00:20:02,094 --> 00:20:04,574 - Here we are. - RICHARD: Oh, I see! 409 00:20:04,614 --> 00:20:07,614 You're stabbed in the back with a giant fork, and briefcase, 410 00:20:07,694 --> 00:20:10,853 then you bump into one-and-two-thirds cars, 411 00:20:10,854 --> 00:20:12,483 that turn into half a car, that 412 00:20:12,508 --> 00:20:14,373 crash into a picture of a train... 413 00:20:14,374 --> 00:20:16,613 This makes no sense at all! 414 00:20:16,614 --> 00:20:19,294 No, hang on a minute. You've got that wrong, haven't you? 415 00:20:19,334 --> 00:20:20,731 You get into two cars but only 416 00:20:20,756 --> 00:20:22,454 drive off in three-quarters of one. 417 00:20:22,494 --> 00:20:23,994 And you go to the station, because 418 00:20:24,019 --> 00:20:25,494 presumably you're going somewhere, 419 00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:26,667 but whilst you're going somewhere, 420 00:20:26,691 --> 00:20:27,830 somebody takes it and puts it back. 421 00:20:27,854 --> 00:20:30,134 You get back to the station you haven't got a bloody car! 422 00:20:30,214 --> 00:20:31,373 That doesn't work! 423 00:20:31,374 --> 00:20:33,374 No, what they're saying is, 424 00:20:33,454 --> 00:20:36,613 the future is going to be very inconvenient. 425 00:20:36,614 --> 00:20:38,094 Yeah, it sounds that way. 426 00:20:38,134 --> 00:20:40,054 That's basically what they're actually saying. 427 00:20:40,094 --> 00:20:41,614 I've got a blindingly good idea, 428 00:20:41,639 --> 00:20:43,158 I'd like to run this by you... 429 00:20:43,214 --> 00:20:45,094 - Sure. - ...in a committee fashion. 430 00:20:45,134 --> 00:20:48,294 What if... we had a car of our own. 431 00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:51,454 You could buy it or lease it, but it was, like, your car. 432 00:20:51,494 --> 00:20:53,494 And then... No, it's crazy, I know. 433 00:20:53,534 --> 00:20:55,214 Then there'd be a pretty good chance 434 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,614 it would be wherever it was when you last left it... 435 00:20:57,694 --> 00:21:00,334 - when you came back to it. - So all these people - 436 00:21:00,374 --> 00:21:01,990 you've left cars in the car park here, have you? 437 00:21:02,014 --> 00:21:04,853 - So they'd still be there... - That's exactly it! 438 00:21:04,854 --> 00:21:07,294 They won't have been collected up by a random stranger. 439 00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:10,294 Imagine this - you go out and your car's still there. Brilliant. 440 00:21:10,334 --> 00:21:11,934 Let me run with that, if I may. 441 00:21:11,974 --> 00:21:15,014 What if you could run these cars on a kind of magic juice? 442 00:21:15,054 --> 00:21:16,694 (LAUGHTER) 443 00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:18,430 Takes two or three minutes to replenish them, 444 00:21:18,454 --> 00:21:20,054 you go hundreds of miles. 445 00:21:20,094 --> 00:21:22,373 - What magic juice? - Well, you could get it from underground. 446 00:21:22,374 --> 00:21:25,734 - What's it made of? - Squashed prawns? 447 00:21:25,774 --> 00:21:27,373 (LAUGHTER) 448 00:21:27,374 --> 00:21:29,374 It's all sounding a bit improbable, mate. 449 00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:31,454 Well, let's take on the company from Aberdeen 450 00:21:31,494 --> 00:21:34,454 and see who gets it more right. 451 00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:36,373 Can I talk about Robert Kubica? 452 00:21:36,374 --> 00:21:39,294 Polish Formula One driver, there's a picture of him now. 453 00:21:39,334 --> 00:21:41,254 A few years ago, eight years ago actually, 454 00:21:41,294 --> 00:21:42,765 he had a terrible accident while 455 00:21:42,790 --> 00:21:44,398 doing a spot of rallying for fun. 456 00:21:44,454 --> 00:21:45,854 That was the car. You see the 457 00:21:45,879 --> 00:21:47,494 crash barrier went into the car. 458 00:21:47,534 --> 00:21:50,134 Broke every single bone on the right side of his body, 459 00:21:50,214 --> 00:21:52,454 everything from his heel to his shoulder. 460 00:21:52,494 --> 00:21:56,014 Had a seven-hour operation to put his arm back on again, 461 00:21:56,054 --> 00:21:58,614 and then 17 more operations after that. 462 00:21:58,654 --> 00:22:00,454 And his arm still doesn't work properly, 463 00:22:00,494 --> 00:22:03,534 but this weekend he is back in a Formula One car. 464 00:22:03,574 --> 00:22:05,574 And I'd just like say, that's bloody brilliant. 465 00:22:05,614 --> 00:22:07,614 What a man! 466 00:22:07,654 --> 00:22:09,374 RICHARD: Determination. 467 00:22:09,414 --> 00:22:10,814 Like um... 468 00:22:13,294 --> 00:22:16,014 Mark Webber, OK, the Aussie F1 guy, 469 00:22:16,054 --> 00:22:17,774 former F1 guy, 470 00:22:17,814 --> 00:22:19,974 he welcomed him back to Formula One by tweeting: 471 00:22:20,014 --> 00:22:21,910 (IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "Poland's man is coming back, 472 00:22:21,934 --> 00:22:24,894 what a warrior and tenacious prick he is." 473 00:22:24,934 --> 00:22:27,254 Now, to be fair, to be fair for an Australian, 474 00:22:27,294 --> 00:22:29,254 that is getting quite soppy and sentimental. 475 00:22:29,294 --> 00:22:31,614 "Ah, yeah, he's a prick." 476 00:22:31,654 --> 00:22:33,894 Oh, now. As I'm sure you know, 477 00:22:33,934 --> 00:22:35,894 there's a lot of work going on at the moment 478 00:22:35,934 --> 00:22:37,934 with sort of electric cars, driverless cars 479 00:22:37,974 --> 00:22:40,190 - and the future of transportation and so on. - Yes, we have noticed. 480 00:22:40,214 --> 00:22:43,374 Exactly. All I want is something that stops things 481 00:22:43,414 --> 00:22:45,894 falling down the side of the seat when you're driving along. 482 00:22:45,934 --> 00:22:47,734 I want the car I've got now, 483 00:22:47,774 --> 00:22:49,774 but just something that stops that happening. 484 00:22:49,814 --> 00:22:51,974 - That's it? - That is the sum total of your ambition? 485 00:22:52,014 --> 00:22:53,574 Yes, it is... 486 00:22:53,614 --> 00:22:55,670 At this period of fundamental change in the whole concept 487 00:22:55,694 --> 00:22:58,694 of car ownership, car usage, car functionality... 488 00:22:58,734 --> 00:23:01,214 Mm-hm, that's all I want, something that... 489 00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:03,654 Cos they say it's dangerous to tweet when you're driving. 490 00:23:03,694 --> 00:23:05,134 - Yeah? - Yeah. 491 00:23:05,174 --> 00:23:06,494 Driving along like that, 492 00:23:06,534 --> 00:23:08,310 and "Oh, no, I've dropped my phone down there." 493 00:23:08,334 --> 00:23:10,374 You've got the seat lifted, your head's squashed, 494 00:23:10,414 --> 00:23:12,414 you're desperately shoving your hand down there, 495 00:23:12,454 --> 00:23:15,574 shoving it in, all the skin's been peeled back at the side. 496 00:23:15,614 --> 00:23:17,054 "I'll get it, I'll get it." 497 00:23:17,094 --> 00:23:20,214 - "Like a... Like a determined vet." - Exactly! 498 00:23:20,254 --> 00:23:22,054 Exactly! 499 00:23:22,094 --> 00:23:24,494 - (LAUGHTER) - Not exactly. 500 00:23:24,534 --> 00:23:26,774 - Sort of, like... - "Come on, mole, give birth!" 501 00:23:26,814 --> 00:23:28,294 (GRUNTS) "It's burst!" 502 00:23:28,334 --> 00:23:30,574 Why can't we just have a little bit of a f... 503 00:23:30,614 --> 00:23:32,357 I mean, I'm doing it on this side because 504 00:23:32,382 --> 00:23:33,934 we're all British, but whatever side. 505 00:23:33,974 --> 00:23:36,573 A little flap of material that stops things 506 00:23:36,598 --> 00:23:39,054 going down. I mean, how hard can that be? 507 00:23:39,094 --> 00:23:41,174 I know what you mean, it is an issue. 508 00:23:41,214 --> 00:23:43,009 I once looked under the driver seat 509 00:23:43,034 --> 00:23:44,854 of my 911, and you'll remember this, 510 00:23:44,894 --> 00:23:47,454 I found eight pairs of sunglasses I'd lost and replaced. 511 00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:49,174 - He did. - Just all under there. 512 00:23:49,214 --> 00:23:51,414 There's house keys, ingots, relatives. 513 00:23:51,454 --> 00:23:54,134 There's also... And eventually you do drop something. 514 00:23:54,174 --> 00:23:55,750 You know what it's like when you drop something and you think, 515 00:23:55,774 --> 00:23:58,014 "I really do need to get that back," so you have to stop. 516 00:23:58,054 --> 00:24:00,494 And then you can't get it from here or from here. 517 00:24:00,534 --> 00:24:02,494 So then you have to go round the back, 518 00:24:02,534 --> 00:24:04,110 and you can never quite get in properly, 519 00:24:04,134 --> 00:24:05,854 so you've got your hand under it like this. 520 00:24:05,894 --> 00:24:09,334 And there's always... There's always what feels like 521 00:24:09,374 --> 00:24:11,774 a bit of furry mucus. 522 00:24:11,814 --> 00:24:13,814 No, there is! There is, there is! You've seen it! 523 00:24:13,854 --> 00:24:15,854 - That is always there. - Like a hairy tumour. 524 00:24:15,894 --> 00:24:17,254 And it's squidgy, and you go... 525 00:24:17,294 --> 00:24:19,614 There always, always is one of those, 526 00:24:19,654 --> 00:24:22,934 and it's always, always on top of whatever it was you lost. 527 00:24:22,974 --> 00:24:25,374 Do you know, the Holy Grail will probably turn up 528 00:24:25,414 --> 00:24:27,414 - under somebody's driving seat. - It will. 529 00:24:27,454 --> 00:24:30,294 I tell you what, if you went underneath everybody's seat, 530 00:24:30,334 --> 00:24:32,654 if you all tonight when you go back to the car, 531 00:24:32,694 --> 00:24:34,334 have a look under your car seats, 532 00:24:34,374 --> 00:24:37,814 you will find enough loose change to pay for Brexit. 533 00:24:37,854 --> 00:24:39,494 (LAUGHTER) 534 00:24:39,534 --> 00:24:41,374 It could do it, it could tip it. 535 00:24:41,414 --> 00:24:44,094 We could pretty much pay the whole lot. Who's with me? 536 00:24:44,134 --> 00:24:46,814 AUDIENCE: Yes. 537 00:24:46,854 --> 00:24:48,854 There you go, you see, people applauded... 538 00:24:48,894 --> 00:24:50,374 Well, three people applauded my idea. 539 00:24:50,414 --> 00:24:51,974 (LAUGHTER) 540 00:24:52,014 --> 00:24:53,534 - James? - What? 541 00:24:53,574 --> 00:24:55,654 - Interesting news. - RICHARD: Oh, God! 542 00:24:55,694 --> 00:24:57,414 What do you mean, "Oh, God"? 543 00:24:57,454 --> 00:25:00,374 Well, whenever one of you two says, "Interesting news" 544 00:25:00,414 --> 00:25:02,214 it turns out to be about the war. 545 00:25:02,254 --> 00:25:05,374 - No, this... isn't about the war. - (LAUGHTER) 546 00:25:05,414 --> 00:25:07,470 This is interesting news about the speed of different birds. 547 00:25:07,494 --> 00:25:09,494 - Oh, that's even worse! - Oh, I love this. 548 00:25:09,534 --> 00:25:11,534 We've talked about this before? 549 00:25:11,574 --> 00:25:14,374 They've been going on about this ever since he claimed 550 00:25:14,414 --> 00:25:16,614 to have clocked a pigeon doing 25 miles an hour. 551 00:25:16,654 --> 00:25:18,142 I did. I was driving alongside, 552 00:25:18,167 --> 00:25:20,014 there was a pigeon that was doing 25. 553 00:25:20,054 --> 00:25:25,414 Anyway, a Swiss speed camera has clocked a duck... 554 00:25:25,454 --> 00:25:27,510 It's clocked a duck, it's actually triggered the camera. 555 00:25:27,534 --> 00:25:29,534 Got a picture here, look, proving it. 556 00:25:29,574 --> 00:25:32,454 JAMES: Look at that! And it took a picture of a duck. 557 00:25:32,494 --> 00:25:34,814 - JAMES: How fast was it going? - JEREMY: 32 miles an hour. 558 00:25:34,854 --> 00:25:37,174 JAMES: There you go. That's quite incredible. 559 00:25:37,214 --> 00:25:40,774 Cos if I was asked, I'd say a duck would do 20 or 21... 560 00:25:40,814 --> 00:25:44,494 It's not quite incredible, neither is it remotely interesting! 561 00:25:44,534 --> 00:25:46,734 It is interesting! It's a piece of knowledge, Hammond! 562 00:25:46,774 --> 00:25:48,598 How can the world be a poorer place 563 00:25:48,623 --> 00:25:50,574 for having a bit more knowledge in it? 564 00:25:50,614 --> 00:25:52,534 - Exactly. - Because that knowledge 565 00:25:52,574 --> 00:25:57,334 is peculiar and strange, and doesn't matter a bugger to anybody. 566 00:25:57,374 --> 00:25:58,868 You're not gonna be mocking when 567 00:25:58,893 --> 00:26:00,734 you're Buttons in the panto in Swindon 568 00:26:00,774 --> 00:26:01,993 and Jeremy and I are waving at 569 00:26:02,018 --> 00:26:03,374 each other from our super yachts 570 00:26:03,414 --> 00:26:05,574 because of the global success of our television series 571 00:26:05,614 --> 00:26:08,294 James And Jeremy's The Speed Of Birds. 572 00:26:08,334 --> 00:26:11,334 - It's gonna be absolutely massive. - Who'd watch that? 573 00:26:11,374 --> 00:26:13,334 Come on, who'd watch The Speed Of Birds? 574 00:26:13,374 --> 00:26:15,894 Who wants to see him as Buttons at the Swindon Wyvern? 575 00:26:15,934 --> 00:26:17,854 - Me. - (CHEERING) 576 00:26:19,694 --> 00:26:22,654 No! Never! 577 00:26:22,694 --> 00:26:25,034 I think that marks the end of Conversation Street. 578 00:26:25,059 --> 00:26:27,854 JEREMY: Yes. I think it does. I think I'll move it on, 579 00:26:27,894 --> 00:26:32,694 because all of us agree that we do love a hot hatchback. 580 00:26:32,734 --> 00:26:34,651 Yeah, we love that they're practical, 581 00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:36,214 cheap to run, cheap to repair, 582 00:26:36,254 --> 00:26:38,454 but they still go like demented baboons. 583 00:26:38,494 --> 00:26:42,254 Yeah, and now there's a new breed of small hot hatchback. 584 00:26:42,294 --> 00:26:45,174 And to find which one is best, we took The Grand Tour 585 00:26:45,214 --> 00:26:48,134 to that field just over there. 586 00:26:51,894 --> 00:26:53,654 Yes, the start point for our test 587 00:26:53,694 --> 00:26:56,254 was our own track in Oxfordshire. 588 00:26:56,294 --> 00:26:59,014 And this is what we'd assembled. 589 00:27:00,494 --> 00:27:03,774 I've brought the new Volkswagen Polo GTI, 590 00:27:03,814 --> 00:27:07,014 which has 197 horsepower. 591 00:27:07,054 --> 00:27:11,054 Richard Hammond has brought the new Ford Fiesta ST, 592 00:27:11,094 --> 00:27:15,094 which also has 197 horsepower. 593 00:27:15,134 --> 00:27:18,734 James May has brought the new Toyota Yaris, 594 00:27:18,774 --> 00:27:21,094 which has a ridiculous name, 595 00:27:21,134 --> 00:27:23,054 the "Grmn". 596 00:27:24,254 --> 00:27:26,174 Grmm-nn... 597 00:27:26,214 --> 00:27:28,054 Grmn. How do you say that? Grmm-nn... 598 00:27:28,094 --> 00:27:29,814 Grumuna. 599 00:27:29,854 --> 00:27:32,014 It isn't Grumuna, there's no "a" at the end. 600 00:27:32,054 --> 00:27:34,014 It says "Grmn". 601 00:27:34,054 --> 00:27:36,454 - It is a funny name. - What does it mean, Grmn? 602 00:27:36,494 --> 00:27:40,374 Gazoo Racing Meisters of the Nurburgring. 603 00:27:40,414 --> 00:27:43,094 - Oh! Your favourite place! - That's where it was developed. 604 00:27:43,134 --> 00:27:45,094 JEREMY: And what is Gazoo Racing? 605 00:27:45,134 --> 00:27:47,134 JAMES: Gazoo Racing is Toyota's racing division. 606 00:27:47,174 --> 00:27:49,574 This has been done by a small group of people 607 00:27:49,614 --> 00:27:51,374 dedicating themselves over two years 608 00:27:51,414 --> 00:27:53,134 to making this the perfect hot hatch. 609 00:27:53,174 --> 00:27:55,974 Stiffened body shell, shorter springs, SACHS dampers. 610 00:27:56,014 --> 00:27:58,814 It's got a supercharger, it's got special forged wheels, 611 00:27:58,854 --> 00:28:01,494 it's got special tyres, it's got stiffened anti-roll bars. 612 00:28:01,534 --> 00:28:04,534 It's even got a different steering rack from the standard Yaris. 613 00:28:04,574 --> 00:28:06,614 That's proper hot-hatch technology. 614 00:28:06,654 --> 00:28:10,334 My car is just over £21,000, yours is what? 615 00:28:10,374 --> 00:28:12,694 - RICHARD: Just shy of £20,000. - JEREMY: Just under £20,000. 616 00:28:12,734 --> 00:28:15,334 Over £26,000. 617 00:28:15,374 --> 00:28:17,014 And worth every penny, 618 00:28:17,054 --> 00:28:19,414 because it's properly developed as a hot hatchback. 619 00:28:19,454 --> 00:28:21,454 RICHARD: It's not a pretty car. 620 00:28:21,494 --> 00:28:23,974 - JAMES: I think it is. - JEREMY: It's put make-up on one eye. 621 00:28:24,014 --> 00:28:26,174 Slightly mad make-up on one eye, it's like Kiss. 622 00:28:26,214 --> 00:28:28,534 It's like watching my daughters get ready in the morning. 623 00:28:28,574 --> 00:28:30,014 "Am I done?" "Yeah, you're done." 624 00:28:30,054 --> 00:28:31,334 Yours is a brown car. 625 00:28:31,374 --> 00:28:33,134 - It's not brown! - That is brown. 626 00:28:33,174 --> 00:28:35,574 - Oh, yeah, it is. - It isn't, it's mushroom. 627 00:28:35,614 --> 00:28:37,270 The cameramen know about colour. Is it brown? 628 00:28:37,294 --> 00:28:38,990 - It's brown. - CAMERAMAN: It's definitely brown. 629 00:28:39,014 --> 00:28:41,494 It's mushroom! 630 00:28:41,534 --> 00:28:44,254 JEREMY: At this point, we decided that instead of arguing 631 00:28:44,294 --> 00:28:47,774 about which car was best, we should do some actual tests, 632 00:28:47,814 --> 00:28:51,694 starting with a pursuit race. 633 00:28:51,734 --> 00:28:55,174 Each of us was spaced at equal distances around the track 634 00:28:55,214 --> 00:28:57,134 and the rules were simple. 635 00:28:57,174 --> 00:28:59,694 When you're overtaken by the car behind... 636 00:29:00,854 --> 00:29:03,294 ...James is out. 637 00:29:03,334 --> 00:29:06,054 Can I just ask, why am I starting on the gravel, 638 00:29:06,094 --> 00:29:08,934 on a bend, when you two are on Tarmac? 639 00:29:08,974 --> 00:29:10,974 - Have you got launch control? - No. 640 00:29:11,014 --> 00:29:13,254 Well, that's your look-out, then, isn't it? I have. 641 00:29:13,294 --> 00:29:16,134 - (CHUCKLES) - All right, what-evs. Let's go. 642 00:29:18,454 --> 00:29:20,374 Launch control active! I'm ready. 643 00:29:21,454 --> 00:29:23,134 (ENGINE REVVING) 644 00:29:24,214 --> 00:29:27,174 RADIO: Three, two, one, go! 645 00:29:30,774 --> 00:29:33,334 Ooh, and we are away! 646 00:29:37,214 --> 00:29:38,214 Aw. 647 00:29:40,854 --> 00:29:42,174 It's a lively little thing, this. 648 00:29:48,534 --> 00:29:50,654 Let's not forget, shall we, that Volkswagen 649 00:29:50,694 --> 00:29:57,094 invented the hot hatchback and they're still the best at it. 650 00:29:57,134 --> 00:29:59,974 Take an ordinary hatchback, stiffen the suspension, 651 00:30:00,014 --> 00:30:02,134 stiffen the body, give it a big engine. 652 00:30:02,174 --> 00:30:03,174 The end. 653 00:30:05,334 --> 00:30:06,574 Kazoo! 654 00:30:06,614 --> 00:30:09,934 It's nice, it feels taut. What happens here? 655 00:30:09,974 --> 00:30:11,694 Where does it go? 656 00:30:17,134 --> 00:30:18,854 (TYRES SCREECH) 657 00:30:18,894 --> 00:30:20,814 This is cracking. I love these. 658 00:30:24,734 --> 00:30:26,734 Those little crackles and bangs from the exhaust, 659 00:30:26,774 --> 00:30:28,334 it's got valves in it... 660 00:30:29,974 --> 00:30:31,854 ...to make it sound good. 661 00:30:35,094 --> 00:30:38,134 Come on, come on, come on, come on. And into the gravel cell. 662 00:30:42,294 --> 00:30:45,254 It's actually quite funny the way the tail will slide round 663 00:30:45,294 --> 00:30:47,454 and then you can feel the brakes grabbing 664 00:30:47,494 --> 00:30:49,414 to stop it actually spinning. 665 00:30:52,254 --> 00:30:55,254 That way, you can have lots of fun 666 00:30:55,294 --> 00:30:58,614 without there being blood or an ambulance. 667 00:31:02,094 --> 00:31:04,414 No, got it wrong, and I've got Jezza behind me. 668 00:31:05,934 --> 00:31:08,454 The "Grunumunum" is right in my sights now. 669 00:31:10,854 --> 00:31:13,494 Come on, come on, come on. This is exciting times now. 670 00:31:13,534 --> 00:31:15,934 Duh! Incorrect. 671 00:31:19,654 --> 00:31:21,374 Ah, that was, I overdid it. 672 00:31:23,374 --> 00:31:26,014 Hard to see wherethe I'm going now due to the dust cloud 673 00:31:26,054 --> 00:31:27,974 from the "Grunumunummmnnmm". 674 00:31:31,694 --> 00:31:34,254 - Whoa! - Oh, no, Hammond's catching Clarkson as well. 675 00:31:34,294 --> 00:31:36,094 This is getting very interesting. 676 00:31:37,934 --> 00:31:39,894 Right, time to reel Jeremy in. 677 00:31:42,334 --> 00:31:44,254 Come on, come on, come on, this is... 678 00:31:44,294 --> 00:31:45,654 Too wide. 679 00:31:46,974 --> 00:31:48,734 You're out! Ha ha! 680 00:31:48,774 --> 00:31:50,574 With the roadblock out of the way, 681 00:31:50,614 --> 00:31:52,894 it became a two-horse war of attrition. 682 00:31:55,134 --> 00:31:57,054 Come on, Clarkson, you're mine. 683 00:31:58,494 --> 00:32:00,134 Grip. Grip, grip, grip. 684 00:32:01,974 --> 00:32:03,334 (CACKLES) 685 00:32:06,254 --> 00:32:08,934 Hot hatchbacks are such a riot! 686 00:32:08,974 --> 00:32:10,894 They really are. 687 00:32:13,854 --> 00:32:16,174 If someone were to say to me now, "Do you want to get out" 688 00:32:16,214 --> 00:32:19,894 and swap into a 911 Turbo or a 488?" 689 00:32:19,934 --> 00:32:22,974 I'd say, "No, I honestly do not want to do that." 690 00:32:24,054 --> 00:32:25,174 (CACKLES) 691 00:32:28,054 --> 00:32:30,054 Oh, bit of lift-off oversteer. 692 00:32:30,094 --> 00:32:31,934 That's what you want in a hot hatch. 693 00:32:33,614 --> 00:32:35,254 Several laps later, 694 00:32:35,294 --> 00:32:38,734 both of us were still the same distance apart. 695 00:32:40,854 --> 00:32:43,005 It's just occurred to me we both have 696 00:32:43,030 --> 00:32:45,694 the same knowledge of this track, 697 00:32:45,734 --> 00:32:48,054 we both have 197 horsepower. 698 00:32:49,134 --> 00:32:52,494 This race may take a while. 699 00:32:52,534 --> 00:32:54,278 JEREMY: However... Brakes are fading, 700 00:32:54,303 --> 00:32:55,654 I can feel them fading a bit. 701 00:32:55,694 --> 00:32:57,174 They do get hot. 702 00:32:57,214 --> 00:32:59,814 JEREMY: Mine meanwhile had got smoky hot. 703 00:33:02,654 --> 00:33:06,454 So, much to the annoyance of our colleague... 704 00:33:06,494 --> 00:33:09,454 ...we decided to call it a draw. 705 00:33:09,494 --> 00:33:11,139 Can I just say, if this was a proper 706 00:33:11,164 --> 00:33:12,694 race rather than a catchy-up race, 707 00:33:12,734 --> 00:33:14,494 I'd be in the lead because I treated my car 708 00:33:14,519 --> 00:33:16,134 properly and didn't overheat the brakes. 709 00:33:16,174 --> 00:33:17,774 - Have you heard this? - I did hear that. 710 00:33:17,814 --> 00:33:19,094 You don't pause in a race! 711 00:33:19,134 --> 00:33:21,134 - So if you drive slowly, you win? - Yes. 712 00:33:21,174 --> 00:33:24,454 Because my brakes aren't overheating, I could still be... 713 00:33:24,494 --> 00:33:26,934 - You never went more than 28mph! - Rubbish! 714 00:33:26,974 --> 00:33:28,337 When did you watch a motor race 715 00:33:28,362 --> 00:33:30,094 on the television, on Grandstand or... 716 00:33:30,134 --> 00:33:32,601 Rather than listen to any more of 717 00:33:32,626 --> 00:33:35,574 May's bizarre theories on motor sport... 718 00:33:35,614 --> 00:33:38,214 ...we decide to move on to the next challenge. 719 00:33:40,454 --> 00:33:42,374 A drag race. 720 00:33:42,414 --> 00:33:45,854 Let me talk you through the engine. It's a two-litre turbo. 721 00:33:47,174 --> 00:33:48,654 What more do you want? 722 00:33:48,694 --> 00:33:51,894 Right, launch control. I'm ready. 723 00:33:51,934 --> 00:33:53,534 I'm also ready. 724 00:33:53,574 --> 00:33:55,974 James, on the other hand, 725 00:33:56,014 --> 00:33:58,654 has some explaining to do about his "Grunumm..." 726 00:34:00,654 --> 00:34:02,654 This engine's actually pretty interesting. 727 00:34:02,694 --> 00:34:05,694 First and foremost, it's been breathed upon by Lotus. 728 00:34:05,734 --> 00:34:08,134 They actually use a similar spec engine in the Elise. 729 00:34:08,174 --> 00:34:10,694 But perhaps more interestingly, it's supercharged, 730 00:34:10,734 --> 00:34:12,734 which is unusual in a hot hatchback. 731 00:34:12,774 --> 00:34:14,233 Why bother with a supercharger? 732 00:34:14,258 --> 00:34:15,998 It's heavier than a turbocharger... 733 00:34:21,414 --> 00:34:23,214 So the headline figures are: 734 00:34:23,254 --> 00:34:25,494 I have the most power, 209 horsepower. 735 00:34:25,534 --> 00:34:28,934 I have the lowest weight, 1,135 kilograms. 736 00:34:28,974 --> 00:34:33,654 And that's over 200 kilograms lighter than Clarkson's VW. 737 00:34:33,694 --> 00:34:37,654 JEREMY: Eventually James finished talking and we were ready to go. 738 00:34:38,694 --> 00:34:40,174 I probably won't win this. 739 00:34:40,214 --> 00:34:42,334 My problem is I've got the heaviest car 740 00:34:42,374 --> 00:34:44,094 and I'm the heaviest driver. 741 00:34:46,174 --> 00:34:47,214 (BLEEPING) 742 00:34:48,734 --> 00:34:50,214 (BLEEPING) 743 00:34:52,214 --> 00:34:54,134 And we are away. 744 00:34:56,494 --> 00:34:58,414 Where's that bloody Polo going? 745 00:35:07,214 --> 00:35:08,693 Yes! 746 00:35:08,694 --> 00:35:10,414 Oh, what? 747 00:35:10,454 --> 00:35:12,974 A victory for the fat boy! 748 00:35:15,014 --> 00:35:19,134 That can only mean that VW have got their figures wrong. 749 00:35:19,174 --> 00:35:21,974 Again. 750 00:35:22,014 --> 00:35:25,094 JEREMY: This surprising result called for a bit of a debrief. 751 00:35:27,054 --> 00:35:29,054 The mushroom-coloured Polo... 752 00:35:29,094 --> 00:35:31,574 - Brown! - The brown VW has won. 753 00:35:31,614 --> 00:35:33,614 Actually, I've got to be honest. 754 00:35:33,654 --> 00:35:37,214 I am quite surprised by its astonishing victory. 755 00:35:37,254 --> 00:35:39,454 It is really annoying. And there's nothing you can do. 756 00:35:39,494 --> 00:35:42,614 - Cos it's heavy. - And it's only as powerful as this. 757 00:35:42,654 --> 00:35:44,654 The DSG gearbox makes a huge difference. 758 00:35:44,694 --> 00:35:46,214 Yeah, the double clutch. 759 00:35:46,254 --> 00:35:49,254 Every time you two have to change gear, you lose 20 yards. 760 00:35:49,334 --> 00:35:52,014 There's no way you can keep up with an old-fashioned box. 761 00:35:52,054 --> 00:35:54,414 - No, it's one gear, then another... - (MESSAGE ALERT) 762 00:35:54,454 --> 00:35:56,014 Oh, hang on. 763 00:35:56,054 --> 00:35:58,054 Text from Mr Wilman. 764 00:35:58,094 --> 00:36:01,534 - "You idiots." - Nice. Not very kind. 765 00:36:01,574 --> 00:36:05,693 "Stop banging on about double-clutch gearboxes and lift-off oversteer." 766 00:36:05,694 --> 00:36:08,414 These cars are supposed to appeal to young people 767 00:36:08,454 --> 00:36:10,534 and they have no idea what those things are. 768 00:36:13,734 --> 00:36:17,534 The winner of this test will be the car that appeals most to millennials, 769 00:36:17,574 --> 00:36:20,654 "not old men like you." 770 00:36:20,694 --> 00:36:24,614 So what test do we do that young people would be interested? 771 00:36:24,654 --> 00:36:26,974 No, wait, I've had an idea. 772 00:36:27,014 --> 00:36:28,454 JAMES: What exactly is a millennial? 773 00:36:34,094 --> 00:36:36,974 JEREMY: Once we'd explained this to James, we left the test track, 774 00:36:37,014 --> 00:36:41,894 and began our new youth-friendly road test. 775 00:36:41,934 --> 00:36:44,262 What I've done is I've fitted some 776 00:36:44,287 --> 00:36:47,454 youth-friendly political stickers on the doors. 777 00:36:47,494 --> 00:36:50,621 And then on the windscreen, a 778 00:36:50,646 --> 00:36:54,934 transgender, fluid, neutral sunscreen. 779 00:36:54,974 --> 00:36:57,374 The other Jeremy, of course, is the great Jeremy Corbyn, 780 00:36:57,414 --> 00:36:59,814 leader of the Labour Party, 781 00:36:59,854 --> 00:37:04,374 a man with the same initials as the Baby Jesus, 782 00:37:04,414 --> 00:37:06,134 one of the prophets of Islam. 783 00:37:08,094 --> 00:37:10,254 Richard, meanwhile, had for some reason 784 00:37:10,334 --> 00:37:13,694 put the shipping forecast on the doors of the Fiesta. 785 00:37:17,214 --> 00:37:19,693 Why have you got "Stormy" on the side of your car? 786 00:37:19,694 --> 00:37:22,894 Cos that's the name of the rapper that young people adore. 787 00:37:22,934 --> 00:37:24,454 No, that's Stormzy. 788 00:37:24,494 --> 00:37:29,054 Stormy's that sexual intercourse enthusiast in America. 789 00:37:29,094 --> 00:37:31,014 Popular with young people? 790 00:37:34,574 --> 00:37:37,414 JAMES: Meanwhile, I'd headed for an organic farm shop 791 00:37:37,454 --> 00:37:40,693 to test out my young-people modification. 792 00:37:40,694 --> 00:37:43,854 What I've fitted to my car it's powered by the same USB port 793 00:37:43,894 --> 00:37:46,534 that you'd normally use to recharge your vape bong - 794 00:37:46,574 --> 00:37:50,014 is the most important thing in a millennial's life. 795 00:37:50,054 --> 00:37:53,054 And that is, of course, a juicer. Ta-da! 796 00:37:53,094 --> 00:37:55,718 Now, using this, I can make a whole 797 00:37:55,743 --> 00:37:58,414 range of tasty and nutritious juices 798 00:37:58,454 --> 00:38:01,614 using a variety of ethically-sound ingredients. 799 00:38:01,654 --> 00:38:03,894 And that means I won't be beholden 800 00:38:03,934 --> 00:38:07,414 to evil American corporations that murder baby veals 801 00:38:07,454 --> 00:38:09,934 and snap the beaks off chickens. 802 00:38:12,694 --> 00:38:14,133 RICHARD: Back on the road, 803 00:38:14,158 --> 00:38:16,014 Jeremy and I were busy competing 804 00:38:16,054 --> 00:38:19,693 to win the hearts and minds of the snowflakes. 805 00:38:19,694 --> 00:38:21,379 Because you're young, you'll care 806 00:38:21,404 --> 00:38:23,014 very much about the environment. 807 00:38:23,054 --> 00:38:25,172 So you'll be very glad to know that 808 00:38:25,197 --> 00:38:27,054 unlike the Polo and the Toyota, 809 00:38:27,094 --> 00:38:30,414 this doesn't have four cylinders the Fiesta only has three. 810 00:38:30,454 --> 00:38:32,254 In fact, when it's cruising, 811 00:38:32,334 --> 00:38:35,214 it can deactivate one of them and go down to two. 812 00:38:35,254 --> 00:38:37,254 That's a world first on a three-cylinder car. 813 00:38:37,334 --> 00:38:41,014 And what it means is, it's nicer to polar bears. 814 00:38:44,014 --> 00:38:46,494 The seats in here are made from cloth, 815 00:38:46,534 --> 00:38:50,134 so no cow was harmed in the making of the interior. 816 00:38:50,174 --> 00:38:52,082 Apart from a small veal who was 817 00:38:52,107 --> 00:38:54,174 used to make the steering wheel. 818 00:38:54,214 --> 00:38:55,894 But that's it. 819 00:38:58,374 --> 00:38:59,934 (WHIRRING) 820 00:39:01,254 --> 00:39:04,494 Right, this one is kale, apple, 821 00:39:04,534 --> 00:39:08,254 line-caught avocado and ethical water... 822 00:39:08,334 --> 00:39:10,974 plus my reading glasses which fell in there earlier on. 823 00:39:11,014 --> 00:39:12,361 But it doesn't matter, they've got 824 00:39:12,385 --> 00:39:14,025 plastic lenses so they're perfectly safe. 825 00:39:17,214 --> 00:39:18,454 Mm! 826 00:39:18,494 --> 00:39:20,414 Someone's gonna want that. 827 00:39:23,174 --> 00:39:26,094 JEREMY: In order to see if we were on the right track, 828 00:39:26,134 --> 00:39:28,693 Richard and I had headed into the wonderful, 829 00:39:28,694 --> 00:39:30,694 anti-car city of Oxford. 830 00:39:32,694 --> 00:39:34,654 Many, many cyclists here. 831 00:39:38,094 --> 00:39:41,214 Look at the way young people are approving of my car 832 00:39:41,254 --> 00:39:42,974 and my stickers. 833 00:39:44,134 --> 00:39:46,014 Dab on it, wagwam! 834 00:39:46,054 --> 00:39:48,934 I speak the language of the millennial. 835 00:39:48,974 --> 00:39:51,042 Hammond and May won't be able to do that, 836 00:39:51,067 --> 00:39:52,814 cos they're in a Ford and a Toyota. 837 00:39:52,854 --> 00:39:54,214 They're bad whips. 838 00:39:55,614 --> 00:39:57,454 You'll see there's a bus lane here. 839 00:39:57,494 --> 00:40:01,693 And the Fiesta is showing no sign at all 840 00:40:01,694 --> 00:40:03,920 of complaining that half the road 841 00:40:03,945 --> 00:40:06,038 is completely empty and unused. 842 00:40:07,614 --> 00:40:10,174 This car has no problem with that. 843 00:40:10,214 --> 00:40:13,654 JEREMY: There's a couple of hikers, Hammond, on my left. 844 00:40:13,694 --> 00:40:16,934 I'm not judging them, cos judging people is wrong. 845 00:40:16,974 --> 00:40:18,894 Oh, cyclist. 846 00:40:22,094 --> 00:40:25,094 - (MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS) - Maniac! 847 00:40:25,134 --> 00:40:29,654 Having drunk his spectacles, James was now on the move. 848 00:40:29,694 --> 00:40:32,094 My latest juice has a bit of an Asian flavour. 849 00:40:32,134 --> 00:40:36,734 Because it's made with okra, some ground-up dry ginger, 850 00:40:36,814 --> 00:40:40,134 a touch of garlic, a pinch of garam masala... 851 00:40:40,174 --> 00:40:43,693 and a pork pie. 852 00:40:43,694 --> 00:40:46,454 This car was, of course, developed at the Nurburgring, 853 00:40:46,494 --> 00:40:48,494 which might sound not very millennial. 854 00:40:48,534 --> 00:40:52,494 But on the other hand, it is the world's greenest circuit. 855 00:40:52,534 --> 00:40:54,134 It is completely... 856 00:40:54,174 --> 00:40:56,174 - (SPLASHING) - Oh, Jesus! 857 00:40:56,214 --> 00:40:58,134 (BRAKES SQUEALING) 858 00:41:00,494 --> 00:41:02,014 God! Agh! 859 00:41:03,094 --> 00:41:04,934 Agh... 860 00:41:04,974 --> 00:41:06,254 Agh. 861 00:41:07,734 --> 00:41:09,213 (SPITS) 862 00:41:09,214 --> 00:41:11,214 Back to the tent. 863 00:41:11,254 --> 00:41:13,654 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 864 00:41:13,694 --> 00:41:16,414 JEREMY: I've gotta be honest... 865 00:41:16,454 --> 00:41:20,494 Apart from you drinking plastic, which is evil, 866 00:41:20,534 --> 00:41:22,344 I thought that was all going rather well, 867 00:41:22,369 --> 00:41:23,894 the test appealing to young people. 868 00:41:23,934 --> 00:41:28,054 Yeah, we talked about carbon dioxide and polar bears 869 00:41:28,094 --> 00:41:30,094 and expressed our support for the Labour Party. 870 00:41:30,134 --> 00:41:31,860 Yeah, apart from the bit where the 871 00:41:31,885 --> 00:41:33,758 juicer blew up in my face, obviously, 872 00:41:33,814 --> 00:41:35,470 it was all going rather excellently, we thought. 873 00:41:35,494 --> 00:41:37,174 It was, yeah. 874 00:41:37,214 --> 00:41:40,494 Unfortunately, Mr Wilman said we hadn't got the idea at all. 875 00:41:40,534 --> 00:41:43,213 - No. - And that to really appeal to millennials, 876 00:41:43,214 --> 00:41:46,894 we had to somehow get our cars in The Mail Online. 877 00:41:46,934 --> 00:41:49,134 Now this was a bit of a problem for James, 878 00:41:49,174 --> 00:41:52,214 - who claims he's never read The Mail Online. - I haven't. 879 00:41:52,254 --> 00:41:54,934 You're not really The Mail's target audience, James. 880 00:41:54,974 --> 00:41:56,814 What do you mean by that? 881 00:41:56,854 --> 00:42:00,974 You're not a mealy-mouthed bitter person... 882 00:42:01,014 --> 00:42:04,254 ...who believes that everyone who is luckier, better-looking, 883 00:42:04,334 --> 00:42:06,012 richer and more talented than you are 884 00:42:06,037 --> 00:42:07,758 should be torn to shreds and executed. 885 00:42:07,814 --> 00:42:09,213 (LAUGHTER) 886 00:42:09,214 --> 00:42:12,494 Right, well, whatever, the rules were simple. 887 00:42:12,534 --> 00:42:14,646 We had to drive into London and 888 00:42:14,671 --> 00:42:16,894 then do something with our cars 889 00:42:16,934 --> 00:42:19,854 that would get the paparazzi to take a picture of them. 890 00:42:19,894 --> 00:42:21,748 And then the winner would be the person 891 00:42:21,773 --> 00:42:23,694 who got the most amount of those pictures 892 00:42:23,734 --> 00:42:25,654 actually published. 893 00:42:29,054 --> 00:42:32,094 RICHARD: I decided that what I'd do was take my wife 894 00:42:32,134 --> 00:42:35,334 out for dinner at the glittering Bluebird restaurant 895 00:42:35,374 --> 00:42:38,054 on the famous King's Road. 896 00:42:38,094 --> 00:42:40,214 It's a popular haunt for the paps, this. 897 00:42:40,254 --> 00:42:42,463 And I felt sure we'd be snapped 898 00:42:42,488 --> 00:42:44,814 getting out of the little Ford. 899 00:42:44,854 --> 00:42:47,654 OK, right, so remember to smile. 900 00:42:47,694 --> 00:42:49,693 And look like you really like me. 901 00:42:49,694 --> 00:42:51,494 - OK. - Like, a lot. 902 00:42:53,374 --> 00:42:55,054 Right. 903 00:42:55,094 --> 00:42:57,094 Hold my hand, there. 904 00:42:57,134 --> 00:42:59,214 And then we'll just stand around for a bit. 905 00:43:03,014 --> 00:43:05,614 - Looking forward to dinner with my wife Mindy. - That'll be nice. 906 00:43:09,974 --> 00:43:11,774 Jeremy, meanwhile, had decided 907 00:43:11,799 --> 00:43:13,574 that to get himself noticed, 908 00:43:13,614 --> 00:43:17,374 he'd have a puncture, and then get a celebrity 909 00:43:17,414 --> 00:43:19,974 like Binky Felstead to help him mend it. 910 00:43:22,534 --> 00:43:25,254 - You grab the spare wheel. - Really? 911 00:43:30,174 --> 00:43:32,334 You have to twiddle it so the car goes up. 912 00:43:32,374 --> 00:43:34,254 - Really high in the sky. - For God's sake! 913 00:43:34,334 --> 00:43:35,734 Oh. 914 00:43:35,814 --> 00:43:37,814 Come on, put your back into it. 915 00:43:37,854 --> 00:43:41,334 I'm exhausted. (GRUNTS) 916 00:43:41,374 --> 00:43:43,214 JEREMY: James, meanwhile, was driving a car 917 00:43:43,254 --> 00:43:45,214 that's never been papped 918 00:43:45,254 --> 00:43:47,694 through a part of London that's never been papped, 919 00:43:47,734 --> 00:43:51,054 with his dinner date, historian Mary Beard... 920 00:43:51,094 --> 00:43:53,294 who hasn't been papped either. 921 00:43:55,694 --> 00:43:57,614 I'm absolutely delighted. 922 00:43:57,654 --> 00:43:59,654 This has made my month, this. 923 00:43:59,694 --> 00:44:03,374 Well... Well, thank you, that's very generous. 924 00:44:03,414 --> 00:44:06,654 James then tried to think of some interesting small talk. 925 00:44:14,614 --> 00:44:17,134 This has this handy piece of red in the steering wheel, 926 00:44:17,174 --> 00:44:20,054 so you know when you're going in a straight line, you see. 927 00:44:20,094 --> 00:44:22,934 (TUTS) They've thought of everything. 928 00:44:24,374 --> 00:44:26,174 JEREMY: Meanwhile, back in Chelsea... 929 00:44:27,574 --> 00:44:29,574 There's no paps. There's nobody here. 930 00:44:29,614 --> 00:44:31,534 - No. - There's no photographers. 931 00:44:34,334 --> 00:44:35,934 It's ridiculous. 932 00:44:35,974 --> 00:44:37,974 I'm always being photographed here. 933 00:44:38,014 --> 00:44:39,334 Look, here I am. 934 00:44:39,374 --> 00:44:41,374 And here I am. 935 00:44:41,414 --> 00:44:43,174 And here... Oh, she's just... 936 00:44:43,214 --> 00:44:45,134 She's just a friend from work. 937 00:44:46,934 --> 00:44:48,694 We should try having an argument. 938 00:44:48,734 --> 00:44:51,854 - I don't want to have an argument. - Well, I do, and you don't. 939 00:44:51,894 --> 00:44:54,054 So we're already having an argument. This is good. 940 00:44:54,094 --> 00:44:56,654 - I don't want an argument. - Just look a bit animated. 941 00:44:57,854 --> 00:44:59,574 JEREMY: Having parked his car, 942 00:44:59,614 --> 00:45:02,334 James was now in his favourite Indian restaurant, 943 00:45:02,374 --> 00:45:06,094 having a lesson in classical history. 944 00:45:06,134 --> 00:45:10,094 The idea of the bloke is that he is penetrating. 945 00:45:10,134 --> 00:45:15,214 To be a man is to be the penetrator. 946 00:45:15,254 --> 00:45:18,974 Every orifice he likes, sex wherever. 947 00:45:19,014 --> 00:45:21,054 I've got to say, this is not what I was expecting. 948 00:45:21,094 --> 00:45:22,548 I was thinking you'd give me some 949 00:45:22,573 --> 00:45:24,214 information about the shape of arches. 950 00:45:24,254 --> 00:45:26,174 Oh, well, we can go on to that. 951 00:45:26,214 --> 00:45:27,694 (SHE GRUNTS) 952 00:45:29,254 --> 00:45:31,254 So you've got to get that lined up. 953 00:45:31,294 --> 00:45:33,214 And then put the new ones in. 954 00:45:35,054 --> 00:45:37,054 What are you doing? You're not... 955 00:45:37,094 --> 00:45:39,294 - I'm sorry, it's really greasy. - I know! 956 00:45:39,334 --> 00:45:41,454 This may have been just a puncture 957 00:45:41,479 --> 00:45:43,574 but it was proving to be big news. 958 00:45:43,614 --> 00:45:45,134 (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) 959 00:45:47,414 --> 00:45:49,934 And that is how you change a wheel. 960 00:45:49,974 --> 00:45:51,894 If you ever have a puncture on a motorway, 961 00:45:51,934 --> 00:45:54,094 you're going to be so grateful for this moment. 962 00:45:54,134 --> 00:45:55,334 Lesson learned, Jeremy. 963 00:45:56,414 --> 00:45:57,734 With dinner over, 964 00:45:57,774 --> 00:46:00,014 the two most unpappable people in history 965 00:46:00,054 --> 00:46:02,854 were waiting to be papped. 966 00:46:02,894 --> 00:46:04,854 If we just stand here looking a bit sort of... 967 00:46:04,894 --> 00:46:06,894 - Embarrassed? - Well... 968 00:46:06,934 --> 00:46:08,414 Expectant? 969 00:46:08,454 --> 00:46:10,174 Somebody will come and take a picture of us. 970 00:46:23,054 --> 00:46:26,254 I've just had a thought. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, 971 00:46:26,294 --> 00:46:29,534 but actually the idea of this was to get the car in the paper. 972 00:46:29,574 --> 00:46:31,494 I should have parked it outside. 973 00:46:34,494 --> 00:46:36,414 (BELCHES) Excuse me. 974 00:46:45,574 --> 00:46:47,774 Wait a minute, there is... There's one. 975 00:46:47,814 --> 00:46:50,374 Don't point, don't look, but there's one over there. There he is. 976 00:46:50,414 --> 00:46:52,414 Pap, there. 977 00:46:52,454 --> 00:46:55,014 JEREMY: However, before any pictures were taken, 978 00:46:55,054 --> 00:46:58,734 May and I hatched a plan we'd been working on for years. 979 00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:00,294 Go. 980 00:47:09,414 --> 00:47:11,534 Oh, you bastards! 981 00:47:13,134 --> 00:47:15,014 That was my... 982 00:47:15,054 --> 00:47:16,774 Get in. 983 00:47:16,814 --> 00:47:18,734 (APPLAUSE) 984 00:47:24,134 --> 00:47:26,054 James, did... 985 00:47:26,094 --> 00:47:28,694 Did you burp in front of Mary Beard? 986 00:47:28,734 --> 00:47:31,134 I did. I'm sorry, it just fell out. I apologise. 987 00:47:31,174 --> 00:47:34,054 I know a lot of people will be thinking we engineered that. 988 00:47:34,094 --> 00:47:35,814 We really genuinely didn't. 989 00:47:35,854 --> 00:47:37,253 All you have to do to get papped 990 00:47:37,278 --> 00:47:38,694 when you're in our line of work 991 00:47:38,734 --> 00:47:41,574 is go into London, do something mildly out of the ordinary 992 00:47:41,614 --> 00:47:43,614 and then they swarm... not round you. 993 00:47:43,654 --> 00:47:46,854 Or get clattered and fall out of a club with no trousers on. 994 00:47:46,894 --> 00:47:49,174 - That's a good way of doing it. - Or catch pneumonia. 995 00:47:49,214 --> 00:47:50,814 Yes. 996 00:47:50,854 --> 00:47:53,934 I've had that a few times. Anyway, while we were waiting 997 00:47:53,974 --> 00:47:57,574 to see which of our antics got into The Mail Online, 998 00:47:57,614 --> 00:48:01,934 Mr Wilman came up with another youth-friendly idea. 999 00:48:01,974 --> 00:48:05,334 Yep, he said each of us had to take a picture of our car 1000 00:48:05,374 --> 00:48:07,134 and then see which of us got the 1001 00:48:07,159 --> 00:48:09,358 most likes of their snap on Instagram. 1002 00:48:12,214 --> 00:48:13,894 JAMES: Having split up, 1003 00:48:13,934 --> 00:48:15,854 we set to work on our respective plans. 1004 00:48:17,094 --> 00:48:19,134 £50 is very reasonable, yeah. 1005 00:48:20,534 --> 00:48:22,534 £50,000? 1006 00:48:22,574 --> 00:48:24,574 Oh, right. 1007 00:48:24,614 --> 00:48:26,614 Um... I'll ring you back in a bit. 1008 00:48:26,654 --> 00:48:28,574 Yeah, cheers. 1009 00:48:32,934 --> 00:48:34,946 My idea was to put me and the car in 1010 00:48:34,971 --> 00:48:37,174 one of the pods of the famous London Eye 1011 00:48:37,214 --> 00:48:39,814 so we could have a picture right at the top with a fantastic view. 1012 00:48:39,854 --> 00:48:43,894 They want £50,000! I thought he meant 50 quid. 1013 00:48:43,934 --> 00:48:46,534 Let's think of something else. 1014 00:48:46,574 --> 00:48:49,534 RICHARD: I had done just that. 1015 00:48:49,574 --> 00:48:51,694 For my Instagram picture, I'm not messing about. 1016 00:48:51,734 --> 00:48:53,470 I've recruited a top photographer 1017 00:48:53,495 --> 00:48:55,614 and I'm very excited, cos he's brilliant. 1018 00:48:55,654 --> 00:48:57,574 Look at that. 1019 00:49:00,054 --> 00:49:02,814 His name is David Yarrow. 1020 00:49:02,854 --> 00:49:05,774 He's one of the world's greatest wildlife photographers. 1021 00:49:05,814 --> 00:49:09,254 And his plan was to recreate this shot, 1022 00:49:09,294 --> 00:49:12,334 using my car instead of the tiger. 1023 00:49:13,694 --> 00:49:15,254 So I'm coming in... 1024 00:49:15,294 --> 00:49:17,294 The most important thing is to have energy. 1025 00:49:17,334 --> 00:49:19,334 It's got to be dynamic. 1026 00:49:19,374 --> 00:49:21,272 And that means we needand water 1027 00:49:21,297 --> 00:49:23,414 flying up between me and the car. 1028 00:49:23,454 --> 00:49:27,094 I want to be as close safety-wise as you'll allow me to be. 1029 00:49:28,894 --> 00:49:31,254 Yeah, yeah. I've got your number. 1030 00:49:31,294 --> 00:49:32,934 - OK. - (LAUGHS) 1031 00:49:34,534 --> 00:49:35,894 JAMES: Back in London, 1032 00:49:35,934 --> 00:49:37,934 I'd come up with a brilliant idea. 1033 00:49:42,254 --> 00:49:43,414 Morning. 1034 00:49:57,374 --> 00:49:58,534 Morning. 1035 00:50:02,414 --> 00:50:04,734 Hiya. Put some clothes on. 1036 00:50:06,494 --> 00:50:09,334 RICHARD: Eventually, my shot was in the can. 1037 00:50:11,654 --> 00:50:12,774 Ach! 1038 00:50:14,414 --> 00:50:16,174 As was May's. 1039 00:50:18,174 --> 00:50:20,174 And so, after no work at all, 1040 00:50:20,214 --> 00:50:22,134 was Jeremy's. 1041 00:50:32,334 --> 00:50:37,014 Could... Could you have made any less effort with that challenge? 1042 00:50:37,054 --> 00:50:38,934 No, you're right. 1043 00:50:38,974 --> 00:50:41,774 I should have put a puppy in it, cos Instagram loves a dog. 1044 00:50:41,814 --> 00:50:44,974 Anyone on Instagram, it's all just dogs, basically. 1045 00:50:45,014 --> 00:50:47,014 Anyway, with our pictures posted on Instagram, 1046 00:50:47,054 --> 00:50:49,054 we were all given another challenge, 1047 00:50:49,094 --> 00:50:53,014 to see who could get the most views of their car on YouTube. 1048 00:50:53,054 --> 00:50:55,294 Yeah, now, this is a tricky one. 1049 00:50:55,334 --> 00:50:58,395 Because over 300 hours of footage are 1050 00:50:58,420 --> 00:51:01,134 uploaded to YouTube every minute. 1051 00:51:01,174 --> 00:51:03,214 You wouldn't think that many cats 1052 00:51:03,254 --> 00:51:05,294 fell into waste disposal units. 1053 00:51:05,334 --> 00:51:07,054 No, I know, you wouldn't. 1054 00:51:07,094 --> 00:51:09,110 Seems they do. So we had to think of something special. 1055 00:51:09,134 --> 00:51:10,850 How could we make our cars 1056 00:51:10,875 --> 00:51:13,094 shine in this crowded firmament? 1057 00:51:13,134 --> 00:51:14,774 Push them into a waste disposal unit? 1058 00:51:14,814 --> 00:51:16,334 I think that's got to be it. 1059 00:51:16,374 --> 00:51:19,134 Or what I did to get my Ford noticed, 1060 00:51:19,174 --> 00:51:21,654 I decided to stage a big stunt. 1061 00:51:23,854 --> 00:51:25,814 In order to make my first stunt video, 1062 00:51:25,854 --> 00:51:29,814 I went to a very long runway. 1063 00:51:29,854 --> 00:51:32,974 And once my star performer had warmed up... 1064 00:51:34,574 --> 00:51:36,294 ...we were ready to roll. 1065 00:51:40,014 --> 00:51:41,894 Today history is being made. 1066 00:51:44,854 --> 00:51:46,174 Good luck. 1067 00:51:55,734 --> 00:51:56,974 Oh. 1068 00:51:57,014 --> 00:51:58,294 I can't watch. 1069 00:52:08,614 --> 00:52:10,774 Yes! (LAUGHS) 1070 00:52:10,814 --> 00:52:15,374 We are gonna break the internet with that! 1071 00:52:15,414 --> 00:52:19,734 Meanwhile, James had gone for a rather different approach. 1072 00:52:19,774 --> 00:52:22,414 If you go on YouTube, which I do quite a lot, 1073 00:52:22,454 --> 00:52:23,749 you will notice that something that's 1074 00:52:23,773 --> 00:52:25,110 very popular with so-called millennials 1075 00:52:25,134 --> 00:52:27,134 is the unboxing video. 1076 00:52:27,174 --> 00:52:29,108 It's usually something like an idle 1077 00:52:29,133 --> 00:52:30,934 student with nothing better to do 1078 00:52:30,974 --> 00:52:33,254 simply taking something they've bought out of the box 1079 00:52:33,294 --> 00:52:34,934 and talking about it. 1080 00:52:34,974 --> 00:52:37,934 Hey, what's going on? The delivery guy's just left. 1081 00:52:37,974 --> 00:52:41,054 Got it here and I haven't even taken it out of the box yet. I got... 1082 00:52:41,094 --> 00:52:45,014 This bloke is unboxing a new television set he's bought. 1083 00:52:45,054 --> 00:52:47,054 You guys ready? 1084 00:52:47,094 --> 00:52:49,014 Whoa! 1085 00:52:51,014 --> 00:52:52,814 Look how many hits it's got. 1086 00:52:52,854 --> 00:52:55,334 The stand is not mounted on it, 1087 00:52:55,374 --> 00:52:56,934 you have to put that on later. 1088 00:53:01,934 --> 00:53:03,654 Hi, guys, it's May! 1089 00:53:03,694 --> 00:53:06,614 Welcome, brothers and sisters to my latest unboxing video. 1090 00:53:06,654 --> 00:53:09,054 And this is a big one. It's a car. 1091 00:53:09,094 --> 00:53:11,934 - (ADHESIVE TAPE RIPPING) - Ohh! 1092 00:53:16,854 --> 00:53:18,054 Oh, yes. 1093 00:53:20,134 --> 00:53:22,174 Look how clean that is. 1094 00:53:24,014 --> 00:53:25,614 Meanwhile, Jeremy had decided 1095 00:53:25,654 --> 00:53:28,054 to create a Fast Show style character 1096 00:53:28,094 --> 00:53:30,014 called David Soufflé. 1097 00:53:31,254 --> 00:53:33,174 (FRENCH-STYLE ACCORDION MUSIC) 1098 00:53:41,374 --> 00:53:43,014 (SIRENS BLARE IN DISTANCE) 1099 00:53:59,534 --> 00:54:01,454 (ACCORDION PLAYS) 1100 00:54:04,094 --> 00:54:05,774 RICHARD: Back at the airfield, 1101 00:54:05,814 --> 00:54:07,694 my next stunt was ready. 1102 00:54:07,734 --> 00:54:09,734 Right, now, down there is a man. 1103 00:54:09,774 --> 00:54:12,214 I don't know his name but it doesn't matter, 1104 00:54:12,254 --> 00:54:14,174 because in a moment I'm gonna run him over. 1105 00:54:14,214 --> 00:54:16,134 (ENGINE REVVING) 1106 00:54:18,214 --> 00:54:19,374 And here we go. 1107 00:54:22,254 --> 00:54:25,134 Yes! Didn't kill a man! 1108 00:54:30,974 --> 00:54:32,734 Ooh, I like that a lot. 1109 00:54:39,734 --> 00:54:41,214 (CHUCKLES) 1110 00:54:58,734 --> 00:55:00,654 (ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS) 1111 00:55:03,294 --> 00:55:04,934 (CLATTERING) 1112 00:55:04,974 --> 00:55:07,974 "At Toyota, we want to do all we can" 1113 00:55:08,014 --> 00:55:12,454 to ensure that things go smoothly when you are driving your vehicle. 1114 00:55:12,494 --> 00:55:14,894 Whether you are in your own country or travelling abroad, 1115 00:55:14,934 --> 00:55:17,014 "you are welcome to contact us if you think..." 1116 00:55:39,254 --> 00:55:41,174 (ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS) 1117 00:55:44,534 --> 00:55:48,894 RICHARD: Meanwhile, I was ready for my final stunt 1118 00:55:48,934 --> 00:55:53,134 using my car to get a man in a boat across a lake. 1119 00:55:55,814 --> 00:55:59,454 I've no idea what's gonna happen here in terms of limb breakages. 1120 00:55:59,494 --> 00:56:01,654 So I'm using an office junior to do it. 1121 00:56:01,694 --> 00:56:04,934 He's cheap, obedient and expendable 1122 00:56:04,974 --> 00:56:07,414 the key ingredients for stuff like this. 1123 00:56:07,454 --> 00:56:09,734 So let's make him a YouTube star. 1124 00:56:12,934 --> 00:56:15,174 OK, now using science and maths, 1125 00:56:15,214 --> 00:56:17,614 I have calculated that 30 miles an hour 1126 00:56:17,654 --> 00:56:20,014 is the correct speed to do this. 1127 00:56:22,534 --> 00:56:24,454 Here we go. Launching! 1128 00:56:27,494 --> 00:56:29,414 Come on, little fella. 1129 00:56:33,734 --> 00:56:34,934 Whoo! 1130 00:56:34,974 --> 00:56:37,214 Glorious! Well done! 1131 00:56:37,254 --> 00:56:39,254 You can have Christmas Day off! 1132 00:56:39,294 --> 00:56:40,894 (APPLAUSE) 1133 00:56:40,934 --> 00:56:42,614 That was an impressive stunt. 1134 00:56:42,654 --> 00:56:44,334 Pretty cool, yeah. I was pleased with that. 1135 00:56:44,374 --> 00:56:46,614 How's his therapy working out? 1136 00:56:46,654 --> 00:56:48,334 He's getting over it. 1137 00:56:48,374 --> 00:56:51,174 OK, what we've got here is the scoreboard 1138 00:56:51,214 --> 00:56:54,574 that will help us determine which is the best of the small hot hatches. 1139 00:56:54,614 --> 00:56:56,414 We've already filled in the race scores for 1140 00:56:56,439 --> 00:56:58,214 price, the pursuit race and the drag race. 1141 00:56:58,254 --> 00:57:00,214 Now we've got the paparazzi thing. 1142 00:57:00,254 --> 00:57:02,254 Hammond, how did you get on? 1143 00:57:02,294 --> 00:57:04,654 You two put the "pap in a bag", didn't you? 1144 00:57:04,694 --> 00:57:07,334 We did, but actually we should sell those bags to celebrities. 1145 00:57:07,374 --> 00:57:09,374 We should, cos they're rather clever. 1146 00:57:09,414 --> 00:57:11,750 You pull a drawstring, and not only can't you take any pictures, 1147 00:57:11,774 --> 00:57:13,414 you can't get out of the car. 1148 00:57:13,454 --> 00:57:16,094 - It's also technically false imprisonment. - Yes. 1149 00:57:16,134 --> 00:57:18,574 - And therefore illegal. - So's trapping a wasp in a jam jar. 1150 00:57:18,614 --> 00:57:20,094 Nobody complains about that, do they? 1151 00:57:20,134 --> 00:57:22,174 Well, anyway, it didn't work. 1152 00:57:22,214 --> 00:57:24,614 Obviously there must have been another pap we didn't spot, 1153 00:57:24,654 --> 00:57:26,734 because this picture appeared. 1154 00:57:27,814 --> 00:57:29,454 Ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha! 1155 00:57:29,494 --> 00:57:31,654 JAMES: No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute. 1156 00:57:31,694 --> 00:57:34,494 The rule said it had to have the car in it. 1157 00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:36,654 And I don't see the car in that picture. 1158 00:57:36,694 --> 00:57:38,454 It also said Mail Online. 1159 00:57:38,494 --> 00:57:41,534 I'm guessing there's that some evidence to suggest that is The Sun. 1160 00:57:41,574 --> 00:57:43,454 (LAUGHTER) 1161 00:57:43,494 --> 00:57:44,994 RICHARD: I hoped you wouldn't spot that. 1162 00:57:45,019 --> 00:57:45,494 We did. 1163 00:57:45,534 --> 00:57:46,854 I didn't do very well. 1164 00:57:46,894 --> 00:57:49,694 I think that gives you a zero, Hammond. 1165 00:57:49,734 --> 00:57:51,134 So you get a zero. 1166 00:57:51,174 --> 00:57:53,174 Now, James May, how did you get on, 1167 00:57:53,214 --> 00:57:56,494 taking the older woman out for a curry in Hammersmith 1168 00:57:56,534 --> 00:57:58,934 and then parking your car in an underground car park? 1169 00:57:58,974 --> 00:58:01,134 - Not that well, actually. - RICHARD: How not that well? 1170 00:58:01,174 --> 00:58:04,574 - Nought, not that well. - Not a single thing? 1171 00:58:04,614 --> 00:58:06,694 - My plan was rather successful. - Was it? 1172 00:58:06,734 --> 00:58:11,694 49 pictures appeared, of my car and me and Binky in The Mail Online. 1173 00:58:11,734 --> 00:58:13,734 - 49? - 49 pictures. 1174 00:58:13,774 --> 00:58:17,174 Hang on a minute. 49 pictures of a fat old bloke 1175 00:58:17,214 --> 00:58:19,614 and a young girl I've never heard of changing a wheel? 1176 00:58:19,654 --> 00:58:21,654 I know. And the extraordinary thing is, 1177 00:58:21,694 --> 00:58:23,694 I'd like to show you the 49 pictures 1178 00:58:23,734 --> 00:58:27,134 but I got in touch with The Mail Online yesterday, OK, 1179 00:58:27,174 --> 00:58:28,774 to say, "Can we have the pictures?" 1180 00:58:28,814 --> 00:58:31,334 Do you want to know how much they were gonna charge? 1181 00:58:31,374 --> 00:58:34,214 £122,000. 1182 00:58:34,254 --> 00:58:35,814 - What? - Really? 1183 00:58:35,854 --> 00:58:38,974 I kid you not. They take a picture of me, ruin my life, 1184 00:58:39,014 --> 00:58:42,054 and then for me to buy the picture back 1185 00:58:42,094 --> 00:58:45,654 is £122,000! 1186 00:58:45,694 --> 00:58:48,054 There are 49 pictures on here of you. 1187 00:58:48,094 --> 00:58:51,494 Don't show the cameras, otherwise there'll be a bill for 120 grand. 1188 00:58:51,534 --> 00:58:54,534 - But the good thing is... - Exactly. Because of that, you score 49. 1189 00:58:54,574 --> 00:58:56,670 Yes, I'm afraid he does. There's no getting around that. 1190 00:58:56,694 --> 00:58:59,654 Yes, I do. Which moves us on to Instagram. 1191 00:58:59,694 --> 00:59:02,574 James May, how did you do with your picture on the bus? 1192 00:59:02,614 --> 00:59:04,014 I scored nought. 1193 00:59:04,054 --> 00:59:05,774 - Nought? - Yeah. 1194 00:59:05,814 --> 00:59:08,094 - How did you get nought? - Well, it's quite interesting. 1195 00:59:08,134 --> 00:59:11,094 I didn't have an Instagram account so I set one up. 1196 00:59:11,134 --> 00:59:13,454 - There's a surprise. - No, but I set one up. 1197 00:59:13,494 --> 00:59:15,190 And then as I was setting it up, I realised 1198 00:59:15,214 --> 00:59:18,134 there was someone else on Instagram pretending to be me. 1199 00:59:18,174 --> 00:59:21,774 So I filled in that reporting thing that pulls down and I sent it off. 1200 00:59:21,814 --> 00:59:25,534 All credit to Instagram, they reacted very quickly by that afternoon, in fact. 1201 00:59:25,574 --> 00:59:27,174 And they shut me down. 1202 00:59:27,214 --> 00:59:28,694 - (LAUGHTER) - You? 1203 00:59:28,734 --> 00:59:30,894 Yeah, they didn't shut down the fake James May. 1204 00:59:30,934 --> 00:59:32,614 They shut the real one down. 1205 00:59:32,654 --> 00:59:34,654 - They killed the wrong James May? - Yeah. 1206 00:59:34,694 --> 00:59:36,590 That's quite interesting. What's interesting me, though, 1207 00:59:36,614 --> 00:59:39,534 is that there's a man somewhere out in the world, or woman, 1208 00:59:39,574 --> 00:59:42,494 who's thought, "I could pretend to be anyone I like." 1209 00:59:42,534 --> 00:59:44,534 I shall pretend to be James May." 1210 00:59:44,574 --> 00:59:46,254 - I know. - RICHARD: Not very ambitious! 1211 00:59:46,294 --> 00:59:48,094 Why wouldn't you be George Clooney? 1212 00:59:48,134 --> 00:59:50,574 Anyway, the net result of that, as they say in the army, 1213 00:59:50,614 --> 00:59:52,654 is that I have... nought. 1214 00:59:52,694 --> 00:59:55,614 - You're doing very well! - I've got one, yeah. 1215 00:59:55,654 --> 00:59:58,014 So, Hammond, how did you get on? 1216 00:59:58,054 --> 01:00:01,214 Well, my picture was brilliant. Look at it. 1217 01:00:01,254 --> 01:00:03,254 Look at that! 1218 01:00:03,294 --> 01:00:06,294 JEREMY: No, apart from the slogan with the sexual intercourse enthusiast, 1219 01:00:06,334 --> 01:00:08,334 that is an amazing photograph, granted. 1220 01:00:08,374 --> 01:00:12,294 So how many people have viewed it and liked it on Instagram? 1221 01:00:13,374 --> 01:00:14,654 Nine. 1222 01:00:14,694 --> 01:00:15,974 (LAUGHTER) 1223 01:00:16,014 --> 01:00:18,014 - They blocked you as well? - Nine. No. 1224 01:00:18,054 --> 01:00:21,094 I don't really do Instagram, so I don't have many followers. 1225 01:00:21,134 --> 01:00:23,134 So only nine people have seen it. 1226 01:00:23,174 --> 01:00:25,734 Oh, dear, cos I got 54,000. 1227 01:00:25,774 --> 01:00:27,734 Oh, for God's sake! 1228 01:00:27,774 --> 01:00:29,694 Yes, but you do do Instagram! 1229 01:00:29,734 --> 01:00:31,614 - Yes, I do. - So you got lots of followers. 1230 01:00:31,654 --> 01:00:33,254 Put in 54,000. 1231 01:00:33,294 --> 01:00:35,374 Let's look at this in a more positive light, Hammond. 1232 01:00:35,414 --> 01:00:39,294 - He has got 1.6 million Instagram followers. - Yes. 1233 01:00:39,334 --> 01:00:42,934 So 1.46 million people actively didn't like his picture. 1234 01:00:42,974 --> 01:00:44,630 - That's another way of looking at it. - Loser! 1235 01:00:44,654 --> 01:00:47,374 It wasn't my best work, I admit. It was a hurried shot. 1236 01:00:47,414 --> 01:00:49,134 - What was it? - 54,000. 1237 01:00:49,174 --> 01:00:51,894 RICHARD: That does change the score line a bit. 1238 01:00:51,934 --> 01:00:55,574 It changes the score line a lot, cos I'm now on 54,053. 1239 01:00:55,614 --> 01:00:58,614 - Right, OK. - And you're on one. 1240 01:00:58,654 --> 01:01:01,454 Anyway, I also... It gets worse, I'm afraid, for you two. 1241 01:01:01,494 --> 01:01:04,694 Because YouTube. I didn't add them all up, 1242 01:01:04,734 --> 01:01:08,174 but my first David Soufflé video on YouTube... 1243 01:01:08,214 --> 01:01:13,054 - 266,000 views. - RICHARD: Oh, God. 1244 01:01:13,094 --> 01:01:15,534 More than a quarter of a million people. 1245 01:01:22,014 --> 01:01:23,574 You are ahead now. 1246 01:01:23,614 --> 01:01:27,534 Yes, I'm... comfortably in the lead, I would say. 1247 01:01:27,574 --> 01:01:29,574 So, come on, Hammond? 1248 01:01:29,614 --> 01:01:31,614 16,800. 1249 01:01:31,654 --> 01:01:33,254 What, for all that effort? 1250 01:01:33,294 --> 01:01:35,294 I know! I don't get it either. 1251 01:01:35,334 --> 01:01:37,494 Because I gave it a really cool, tempting caption. 1252 01:01:37,534 --> 01:01:38,814 It said... 1253 01:01:38,854 --> 01:01:40,774 (HE READS) 1254 01:01:45,414 --> 01:01:47,214 Who doesn't want to look at that? 1255 01:01:47,254 --> 01:01:48,630 You actually put that as the caption? 1256 01:01:48,654 --> 01:01:49,910 That's what it said, it's clickbait. 1257 01:01:49,934 --> 01:01:51,614 Then the YouTube millennials thought, 1258 01:01:51,654 --> 01:01:53,174 "No, I'd rather watch a cat going..."? 1259 01:01:53,214 --> 01:01:54,470 - They must have done. - That's ridiculous. 1260 01:01:54,494 --> 01:01:56,014 I'm sorry, that is pathetic. 1261 01:01:56,054 --> 01:01:58,654 Young people, you're pathetic. 1262 01:01:58,694 --> 01:02:00,854 Right, so, there we are, those are the scores. 1263 01:02:00,894 --> 01:02:02,734 - You're out. - Yes. 1264 01:02:02,774 --> 01:02:04,774 And, James, I'm looking and I'm thinking, 1265 01:02:04,814 --> 01:02:06,814 just doing quick adding up... 1266 01:02:06,854 --> 01:02:09,414 Unless you manage to find 1267 01:02:09,454 --> 01:02:12,254 325,000 people 1268 01:02:12,294 --> 01:02:15,134 who are prepared to spend 16 minutes... 1269 01:02:15,174 --> 01:02:17,654 Cos that's how long that unboxing video was. 1270 01:02:17,694 --> 01:02:21,934 ...16 minutes watching you taking a small Toyota hatchback 1271 01:02:21,974 --> 01:02:24,494 out of a cardboard box, I've won. 1272 01:02:24,534 --> 01:02:25,614 - Yes. - So? 1273 01:02:26,694 --> 01:02:28,614 (SIGHS) 330... 1274 01:02:31,214 --> 01:02:33,134 ...thousand! 1275 01:02:33,174 --> 01:02:35,294 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 1276 01:02:36,854 --> 01:02:38,374 (WHOOPING) 1277 01:02:42,334 --> 01:02:44,334 For taking a car out of a box? 1278 01:02:44,374 --> 01:02:46,374 Oh, he's doing the dance. 1279 01:02:46,414 --> 01:02:49,134 How does he always manage to win? 1280 01:02:49,174 --> 01:02:51,814 I think on this occasion it was partly because 1281 01:02:51,854 --> 01:02:55,734 you tried to appeal to millennials by creating a Fast Show type character 1282 01:02:55,774 --> 01:02:58,534 when nobody under 40 has ever heard of The Fast Show. 1283 01:02:58,574 --> 01:03:00,117 Right. You might as well have done the 1284 01:03:00,142 --> 01:03:02,094 comedy adventures of Neville Chamberlain in 1939. 1285 01:03:02,134 --> 01:03:03,694 That would have been better. 1286 01:03:03,734 --> 01:03:07,054 So because there are more people who'd rather watch 1287 01:03:07,094 --> 01:03:09,374 an old man take a small car out of a box, 1288 01:03:09,414 --> 01:03:14,334 than watch him endangering an office junior or me wearing a moustache, 1289 01:03:14,374 --> 01:03:19,254 we have to deduce that the best of the small hot hatchbacks 1290 01:03:19,294 --> 01:03:21,294 is comfortably the worst. 1291 01:03:21,334 --> 01:03:23,374 Yeah, that is our conclusion. 1292 01:03:23,414 --> 01:03:25,390 And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. 1293 01:03:25,414 --> 01:03:27,734 Thank you so much for watching, see you next time. Goodbye!